Sex Tips For Zombies

Zombie Gangbangs
February 12, 2013, 9:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yesterday I was pondering zombie gangbangs.  As a human, the definition of a gangbang seemed quite clear.  As a zombie though, the options seem endless.

Is this when we find one of the few humans remaining and mob them, tearing them apart and eating their flesh in a sensual sexual ecstasy of delight?  (There’s really nothing quite like living human flesh, particularly their brains.)

Or is it simply the same as a human gangbang, but with zombies performing the sexual acts?

Is it is where we find a zombie, dismember it thoroughly, and then use each of its limbs and body parts to fuck another zombie?  Reassembly of the dismembered zombie is optional, depending on their preferences, of course.

We’re talking about consensual gangbanging of course.  Except possibly for the human.

What do you think should be the definition?

Review: Zombie Strippers
October 12, 2009, 12:32 am
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

zombie strippersAt its heart, Zombie Strippers is a deeply stirring tale about the emptiness of the human condition and the fulfillment of zombiedom. It is also an epic tragedy, where few if any of the characters come to an understanding of the true horrors of existence.

For a movie made by humans, for humans, it takes a surprisingly understanding view on zombie life. Historically humans have reviled and indiscriminately murdered our kind, so it is especially pleasant to see that we do have some allies among them. In the movie, the zombie strippers are depicted as being extremely desirable, as well as having their own motives and personalities (faint as those may be). Several of the human strippers voluntarily become zombies, something that we know happens fairly frequently in real life but due to human prejudice is rarely shown on film.

The writers of the movie have also clearly done some research before developing their film. I doubt that they actually bothered to meet with any real zombies, and they certainly didn’t (as usual) hire any zombies, but at least they seem to have searched out zombie-made porn, and taken some cues from that. Not great, but I have to say, better than what other human directors have bothered to do. The classic bloodshot comes early in this film, but is shot with enthusiasm and fervor. And again, zombie sexuality is paired with a heavy metal soundtrack. Is there something about heavy metal that seems appropriate for the undead? I guarantee that we have a wide variety of musical tastes here.

Where the film fails, it fails dramatically. Male zombies are shown as nothing more than mindless creatures, a throwback to the older more classic zombie films. In a movie that made such leaps forward in showing a fairer portraits of zombies, it is especially disheartening to see such a pointless, unrealistic, and discriminatory portrayal of male zombies. Many of my male friends found the movie offensive and hurtful as a result.

The film was only rated a 4.4 on IMDB, and I have to admit to feeling pretty conflicted about how to rate the film. On one hand, it is one of the most progressive portrayals of zombies I have seen to date. On the other, it introduces some deeply problematic themes that may continue to haunt us. In the end, I can only give it faint praise – which only serves to highlight the disappointing nature of human-zombie relations.

Zombie Sighting: Need Brains?
August 12, 2009, 10:10 pm
Filed under: zombie sightings

Anyone else feel a little nibblish around here?  Check out Street Anatomy, where they will treat you to beautiful designs made of humans – and sometimes animals, if you ask nicely. Their most delightful treat yet is little brain cupcakes – I think they must somehow shrink human brains before pickling them and placing them on the cupcake. Just think, bite-sized brains! They look absolutely delightful. I want to taste them on my tongue, their sweet juices running down my chin, biting into that delightful burst of creamy, fragrant brain. Picking the little brains off the cupcakes and feeding them to my lover like grapes.

Excuse me – I have something I need to take care of.

Zombie Porn
July 11, 2009, 5:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Not only is there video, but there exist zombie porn stills.  For instance:


I know that not everyone finds brains sexy, or rusty bathtubs, but just think about it.  Easing yourself into the formaldehyde for a bath, feeling the soothing coolness after a long hot summer day.  The brains bump gently into you whenever you move.  Imagine stroking them, submerging yourself underneath the surface and looking up, your whole world nothing but brains, brains, and brains.

(I, unfortunately, am not as lucky as the zombie who took this shot.  However, if anyone wishes to donate a brain to this fantasy, please send it along, by all means.)

Zombie Pets and Skelanimals
June 6, 2009, 9:04 pm
Filed under: zombie sightings

Many of us appreciate the company of animals – you may think that turning into a zombie means that you lose the pleasure of a good run with your dog, or of watching a cat sunning itself on the windowsill, but that’s not true at all. Zombies appreciate animal company. However, we have to be a bit more careful than the living in selecting our pets.

It’s one thing if you already had a pet when you turned into a zombie. Dogs, in particular, have a great tolerance and acceptance of whatever changes their owners may undergo, including death. It could be that they do not quite understand that you are dead – in fact, it often takes them a while to understand that now you have different limitations and move slower than you used to. But they remain faithful companions (most of them) and will still go on walks with you, sleep at the foot of your bed, and play fetch. (Word of advice: it is not actually a good idea to play fetch with your dog using your arm. He will not understand that this is something he shouldn’t eat.)

Cats, on the other hand, are notorious for their lack of loyalty.  If you are going to turn into a zombie, do it where your cat won’t notice, or else you might wake up minus an eye or a few toes.  However, once you are mobile and able to defend yourself again, you should be relatively safe from your cat.  Make sure to keep it well-fed and be especially wary should you start to smell like fish.  (It’s particularly hard to get smells out of rotten flesh, by the way.  Look for a post in the future on that topic.)  Cats are also particularly fastidious and tend to dislike it when you start decomposing.  Dogs tend to be happy even if your skin is partially liquified and falling off when you pet them; cats will give you a disdainful look and begin grooming right away.

(I actually have less personal experience with other animals such as snakes or mice, so I can’t really speak about them.  Anyone have experiences with other pets or advice to add?)

Of course, one of the best things about keeping your pet through the life-death transition is that you get to have your pet for much longer.  When it is about to die, simply turn it into a zombie and you can continue to have plenty of fun.  Since your pet may not completely understand what is happening, you will have to train it to be more cautious with its body and to feed it until it can fend for itself.

What if you weren’t so lucky to own a pet before you became a zombie?  Unfortunately, unless the pet already knows you, it is far more likely to attack you than it is to bond with you.  I have heard of a new zombie company that is trying to breed and train puppies and kittens from youth to be used to zombie company, but so far they have not reached the point of selling any.  Until another solution arrives, your best bet is to find a living pet and turn it into a zombie.  Unfortunately this means that you will not have as much time with your pet as if you started with a living pet, since they do not tend to understand as much about the zombie condition and act just as recklessly as they do while alive.  Some of this can be combated with training, but not everything.

And finally, for those of you who already have zombie pets, check out Skelanimals:

bill skelanimals

Zombie Sightings: More Ways To Show Your Support
May 25, 2009, 9:43 am
Filed under: zombie sightings

Alert reader Worrggh sent me a link to Humerus, a wonderful site with a good zombie focus.  Check it out!

Zombie Sightings: Colin
May 24, 2009, 8:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The news for zombies keeps getting better and better.  I recently heard about COLIN, a new movie which finally tells the story of the rise of the zombies from a zombie perspective. It’s about time that our voices were heard!