Yesterday I was hanging about with a few friends of mine and, as usual for conversations involving me, the topic turned to sex. A human too curious and slow for his own good had stumbled into our living room and now we were all a bit giggly and flush. Right in the middle of a conversation about our worst dating experiences, Blaarggh suddenly blurted out, “But — have you ever had it, break off? during sex?”
We were all kind of suddenly silent, eying each other, kind of reluctant to admit it. But Blaarggh had broken the dam and soon all the stories came pouring out. I won’t tell you their stories, but here’s mine: It was my first casual hookup – I’d found him lurching about in the bar and he looked mighty fine – two eyes, just a little bit of his intestines peaking out his side, and his lurch was as provocative as they come. Well, anyway, I took him back to my place, and we hit it off. I’d gotten his tattered belt and pants off and he’d undone my bra, admiring my rib cage and stroking the outsides of my lung, reaaalllly gently, just the way I like it. Ahhh. I was getting more and more excited. He still had an intact penis, hard of course, and he was stroking it gently with one hand. I licked his eyeballs and he shuddered lightly.
I felt like a little fucking and I lay back, gesturing for him to crawl on top of me. He started pumping away, gazing deeply into my eyes. But almost immediately it was clear that something had gone wrong. I looked down and he had become detached from his penis! He was really embarrassed, and so was I, actually. I mean, it felt good in me, but I didn’t want to have a penis in there forever! Well, anyway, we managed to pry it out but that was the end of that, of course. He left with his penis it his pocket.
I saw him once again, recently, just across the street. He saw me too, but we just kind of…kept walking.
Anyway, that conversation reminded me of the incident. Well, here are a few helpful tips that I hope will mean that you don’t have to suffer through the same embarrassment. This sort of thing happens all the time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
1. If you think you’re going to be fucking, before you leave home, take your penis and roll it around a little, just to make sure it is firmly attached.
2. Keep a little tube of crazy glue or some other adhesive on you at all times, just in case.
3. If your penis comes off during sex, don’t be too embarrassed. Your partner has probably has seen it before. She/he/it will take the cue from you – if you’re mortified, then it will ruin everything. But if you just treat it casually, you can still rescue the situation. Just apply your glue and press back up against it, waiting until it sticks on firmly. This is really a very sexy situation! You have your penis pressed up into someone, and both of you can’t move down there – a perfect setup for some teasing and making out if I ever saw one.
4. After you have reattached your penis, after you get back home, you need to think of a more secure mechanism. I’ve seen several different solutions. One idea is to rig up some sort of harness to keep it on yourself. Penises usually break off with a little ridge on the base, so you can wrap some wire or rope around that and tie it to your pelvis. Alternatively, you can just leave it detached – there are certainly many advantages to a detachable penis!
I hope that helped!
There’s one thing that completely ruins any zombie’s sex life: a negative body image. There’s room in this world for zombies of all body types – even those without any bodies at all. It may be hard to imagine how to have a meaningless sexual relationship (or even a meaningfull sexual relationship) with some of us who are only a hand, or a head, but ignorance is no reason for contempt. We are all worthy of love, lust, and good-ol’-fashioned zombie-humpin’, whether we have trailing intestines or not. If you see a hand crawling around, just imagine how good the hand might feel stroking your rib cage, or caressing your lungs. How is that different from a whole-er zombie? We’re all missing some part or another – what makes missing an eye somehow better than missing a chest, or a leg?
I’m sure you all have heard comments like, “gaaarrgghh unggghh, wow, she really let herself go,” or “he really needs to find some fresher prey, he’s starting to bloat”, or even “wow, that’s one zombie who shouldn’t lurch around in daylight”. It’s horrid to imagine how much of an impact this is having on the hundreds of thousands of zombies who are looking for love, or at least a little companionship in a dark corner. A shared brain, a bit of the shambling horde feel – is that really too much to ask for? We’re all the same, whether we are missing a leg, whether we are a bit bloated from too much sun, or whether we’re nothing more than an eye rolling down the hill. We’re all beautiful.
As for those of you who claim that a whole zombie is a zombie that lasts longer – first of all, there is absolutely no evidence that a zombie with more body parts will last longer than a zombie with fewer parts. More parts is just more ways that things can go wrong! Decomposition proceeds at different rates in different parts of the body – if long-lasting was how we should judge beauty, then the most beautiful zombie would be the one missing strategic parts, not the one which has as many parts as possible. It doesn’t make any sense, and it is simply stupid to keep perpetuating this hurtful, hateful stereotype. Secondly, why should we judge beauty or hotness by how long a zombie will last? How is that useful? We are all zombies, and we should be judged by our innate personality, not by how long we can hold together, or how many brains we can eat, or how fast we can eat brains! That is not an excuse for hating those of us unlucky enough to lose a leg, or a head!
This brings me to another, frustrating topic. It’s all tied in together, of course. Why do so many zombies have this bias against the non-whole, decomposing, bloated look? Because of how we protray zombies in the media. Why do all the shambling hordes we see have such a disproportionate amount of two-legged, two-armed, emaciated zombies? It’s entirely unrealistic. Over 30% of zombies are missing at least 20% of their body, and over 50% has some to significant bloat from being out in the heat, letting gasses build up. This sort of constant media barrage is causing us all to have body image problems, and it’s a real, serious crisis! I’ve even heard of zombies specifically puncturing their skin to let out the gasses. As you all know, that just speeds up the rate of decomposition. They are hastening their decomposition and for what? For a hateful stereotype!
We all decompose, people! Have some sympathy!
I started this blog to talk about a subject which has been thus far wrapped in shame, horror, and disgust. We deserve better. We have to take back our pride and our lives. We have to stop hiding in the dark, stealing moments of pleasure here or there, flinching at the mere mention of – yes, SEX.
It’s a part of us, and I’m not going to stay silent any longer. It’s time to speak up and speak out. It’s time to cast aside the shroud of shame and fear that laces every moment of our lives. It’s time to live freely. Why should we be left cowering in the dark when hundreds and thousands of monsters enjoy a freedom from shame? It’s time to come out and proudly say, “I’m a zombie, and I too, enjoy sex.”
Our culture is fascinated by vampire sex. Women and men throw themselves upon these undead, begging to be taken right there. A countless amount of poetry and fiction is written about the “dark” joys of vampire sex. Even werewolves enjoy some notoriety, for their animalistic lust and intensity. But the only words written for us are those written in fear and hatred. Simply mention the word “sex” in conjunction with “zombie” and even the most jaded will flinch.
Why is there so much shame? We deserve our pleasure as much as the next creature. I hope my blog will help dispel some of the shame, myths, and fears from this joyous act. I will try to tackle some of the worst stereotypes about zombie sex, and to provide a brief island of respite from the silent shame that we all live with, every minute of our lives.
Also, I hope that this blog can become a forum for support for all of you who want to fight the silence and to take your freedom back. If you have questions, no matter how embarrassing, please ask. I will do my best to answer them, or to find experts who can answer them for you. It’s time to speak out. It’s time to break the silence.