Sex Tips For Zombies


There’s room for all of us
October 17, 2007, 1:57 am
Filed under: activism | Tags:

There’s one thing that completely ruins any zombie’s sex life: a negative body image. There’s room in this world for zombies of all body types – even those without any bodies at all. It may be hard to imagine how to have a meaningless sexual relationship (or even a meaningfull sexual relationship) with some of us who are only a hand, or a head, but ignorance is no reason for contempt. We are all worthy of love, lust, and good-ol’-fashioned zombie-humpin’, whether we have trailing intestines or not. If you see a hand crawling around, just imagine how good the hand might feel stroking your rib cage, or caressing your lungs. How is that different from a whole-er zombie? We’re all missing some part or another – what makes missing an eye somehow better than missing a chest, or a leg?

I’m sure you all have heard comments like, “gaaarrgghh unggghh, wow, she really let herself go,” or “he really needs to find some fresher prey, he’s starting to bloat”, or even “wow, that’s one zombie who shouldn’t lurch around in daylight”. It’s horrid to imagine how much of an impact this is having on the hundreds of thousands of zombies who are looking for love, or at least a little companionship in a dark corner. A shared brain, a bit of the shambling horde feel – is that really too much to ask for? We’re all the same, whether we are missing a leg, whether we are a bit bloated from too much sun, or whether we’re nothing more than an eye rolling down the hill. We’re all beautiful.

As for those of you who claim that a whole zombie is a zombie that lasts longer – first of all, there is absolutely no evidence that a zombie with more body parts will last longer than a zombie with fewer parts. More parts is just more ways that things can go wrong! Decomposition proceeds at different rates in different parts of the body – if long-lasting was how we should judge beauty, then the most beautiful zombie would be the one missing strategic parts, not the one which has as many parts as possible. It doesn’t make any sense, and it is simply stupid to keep perpetuating this hurtful, hateful stereotype. Secondly, why should we judge beauty or hotness by how long a zombie will last? How is that useful? We are all zombies, and we should be judged by our innate personality, not by how long we can hold together, or how many brains we can eat, or how fast we can eat brains! That is not an excuse for hating those of us unlucky enough to lose a leg, or a head!

This brings me to another, frustrating topic. It’s all tied in together, of course. Why do so many zombies have this bias against the non-whole, decomposing, bloated look? Because of how we protray zombies in the media. Why do all the shambling hordes we see have such a disproportionate amount of two-legged, two-armed, emaciated zombies? It’s entirely unrealistic. Over 30% of zombies are missing at least 20% of their body, and over 50% has some to significant bloat from being out in the heat, letting gasses build up. This sort of constant media barrage is causing us all to have body image problems, and it’s a real, serious crisis! I’ve even heard of zombies specifically puncturing their skin to let out the gasses. As you all know, that just speeds up the rate of decomposition. They are hastening their decomposition and for what? For a hateful stereotype!

We all decompose, people! Have some sympathy!

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3 Comments so far
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Brilliant!

Comment by mattilda bernstein sycamore

[…] as well as both grey-colored zombies and green-colored zombies.  What a nice change from the typical portrayal of only one kind of zombie!  The blood and gore are also extremely realistic.  They clearly put a lot of thought into the […]

Pingback by Porn Reviews: “Porn of the Dead” and “Night of the Groping Dead” « Sex Tips For Zombies

[…] write about acceptance of all body types and different stages of rotting, but the sad reality is, not everyone is as smart, kind, or understanding as we would hope they […]

Pingback by Dear STFZ « Sex Tips For Zombies




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