Sex Tips For Zombies

Dear STFZ…
October 21, 2007, 7:39 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice | Tags:

Yesterday I was hanging about with a few friends of mine and, as usual for conversations involving me, the topic turned to sex. A human too curious and slow for his own good had stumbled into our living room and now we were all a bit giggly and flush. Right in the middle of a conversation about our worst dating experiences, Blaarggh suddenly blurted out, “But — have you ever had it, break off? during sex?”

We were all kind of suddenly silent, eying each other, kind of reluctant to admit it. But Blaarggh had broken the dam and soon all the stories came pouring out. I won’t tell you their stories, but here’s mine: It was my first casual hookup – I’d found him lurching about in the bar and he looked mighty fine – two eyes, just a little bit of his intestines peaking out his side, and his lurch was as provocative as they come. Well, anyway, I took him back to my place, and we hit it off. I’d gotten his tattered belt and pants off and he’d undone my bra, admiring my rib cage and stroking the outsides of my lung, reaaalllly gently, just the way I like it. Ahhh. I was getting more and more excited. He still had an intact penis, hard of course, and he was stroking it gently with one hand. I licked his eyeballs and he shuddered lightly.

I felt like a little fucking and I lay back, gesturing for him to crawl on top of me. He started pumping away, gazing deeply into my eyes. But almost immediately it was clear that something had gone wrong. I looked down and he had become detached from his penis! He was really embarrassed, and so was I, actually. I mean, it felt good in me, but I didn’t want to have a penis in there forever! Well, anyway, we managed to pry it out but that was the end of that, of course. He left with his penis it his pocket.

I saw him once again, recently, just across the street. He saw me too, but we just kind of…kept walking.

Anyway, that conversation reminded me of the incident. Well, here are a few helpful tips that I hope will mean that you don’t have to suffer through the same embarrassment. This sort of thing happens all the time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

1. If you think you’re going to be fucking, before you leave home, take your penis and roll it around a little, just to make sure it is firmly attached.

2. Keep a little tube of crazy glue or some other adhesive on you at all times, just in case.

3. If your penis comes off during sex, don’t be too embarrassed. Your partner has probably has seen it before. She/he/it will take the cue from you – if you’re mortified, then it will ruin everything. But if you just treat it casually, you can still rescue the situation. Just apply your glue and press back up against it, waiting until it sticks on firmly. This is really a very sexy situation! You have your penis pressed up into someone, and both of you can’t move down there – a perfect setup for some teasing and making out if I ever saw one.

4. After you have reattached your penis, after you get back home, you need to think of a more secure mechanism. I’ve seen several different solutions. One idea is to rig up some sort of harness to keep it on yourself. Penises usually break off with a little ridge on the base, so you can wrap some wire or rope around that and tie it to your pelvis. Alternatively, you can just leave it detached – there are certainly many advantages to a detachable penis!

I hope that helped!


4 Comments so far
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If you’ll take a hint from a Frankensteinian friend, suturing can be a much more permanent solution than superglue. You want to make sure that you use a relatively heavy gauge of nylon suture thread- cotton will just rot away, and if the thread is too thin, it will just cut through the flesh and pull out. I find it works best to sew in two layers and stagger the stitches. Personally, I keep a length of 3-0 and a curved needle in my wallet at all times. Be prepared, you know?

Comment by TeratoMarty

At first, I was glad to see this unlife-affirming blog, but I wonder if you aren’t succumbing to internalized vitalist prejudice. Come on, a human stumbled into your LIVING room? Reclaim the language from our oppressors and call it your parlour!

Comment by Reg Shoe

Hilarious — love it! More, more, more!!!!

Comment by mattilda bernstein sycamore

OMG – This is one of the most entertaining reads I have found in a while! Blaarggh is so insightful.

Comment by Jayme

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