Sex Tips For Zombies

November 17, 2007, 12:21 pm
Filed under: sex advice

Zombies often write to me expressing their lust for living beings – usually humans, but also other animals as well. “Am I normal?” they ask. “I can’t have normal relations with other zombies – I can only be aroused by imagining firm, tight skin and unbroken skulls.” A reader from Minnosota tells me, “Sometimes when I find a human I will keep him tied up for weeks, just staring at his head and masturbating. My boyfriend asks me what I have in the bathroom, but I’ve always managed to hide it from him. I have my best orgasms with humans, but my sex life with my boyfriend is terrible. I feel horribly guilty. Am I cheating on my boyfriend? How can I get back to being normal again?”

You are not alone, dear readers. At least, according to my mail, there are probably thousands of you out there. Vitaphilia is not that uncommon, and it doesn’t have to destroy your life. Not only are we born from humans, but we derive most of our sustenance from their tasty flesh. It is no wonder that some of us have ended up with a fixation that goes beyond what most consider proper. And though it is rarer, we may also become fixated on cats, dogs, or other animals as a result of their close relationship with humans and our previous lives. I know of one zombie who almost exclusively relies on dog brains, finding all other food unpalatable.

The first thing to figure out is what your love of the living entrails — er, entails. Do you want to play with them, and then eat them? Are you hoping for a deeper connection than that? Do you want to be with them emotionally, or just physically? It’s important to be clear to yourself about what you want from the living. If you want a deeper emotional relationship with a human, you have to approach it in a very different fashion than if you just want a little fun before dinner.

Unfortunately, most zombies are not very understanding of the desire to be close to humans. You will encounter (or have already encountered) a lot of hate and ridicule. If you’re just looking for a little fun, your little “eccentricity” is often laughed off, but if you’re actually looking for a relationship, things can get more difficult. Other zombies may try to attack your human. They may ask you to share. They don’t understand the emotional bond you’ve formed, and so they will see your unwillingness as selfishness or a rejection. You need to be patient with them, and explain to them why this human is special. Keep it simple – often a simple phrase like “I like her/him, so I want to keep her/him alive” will make them stop pushing you. If they keep insisting on having your human, offer to find another one for them, or to go hunting together.

Relationships with humans can be extremely difficult. Most humans want nothing to do with us, and will kill us whenever they have the chance. Those humans who actually will see us as zombies, not as targets, are very rare. Out of these humans, then, you are searching for the one special human with whom you feel a deep personal connection. I’m not going to sugarcoat the difficulties of finding your special human – most of you, in fact, will never realize your fantasy of a relationship with a human. So if you do find it, keep it for the rest of its life. You are one lucky zombie.

I’ll leave you with two warnings:

  1. It’s impossible to train a human to like zombies. You may see a particularly delicious human that you wish would like you, but no matter how you want him/her to like you, you can’t change his/her mind. So if he/she is shooting at you, take that as your cue and just finish him/her off quickly.
  2. Since it is so difficult to actually find a human partner, it’s easy to fall into the trap of going from zombie to zombie, leaving your partner the moment the decay becomes too much to ignore. Don’t do this to yourself or your partners. Be upfront about your vitaphilia – you can still have a rewarding sex life if your partner is willing to pretend to be human every so often.

Happy hunting!