Sex Tips For Zombies

Unusual Zombie Practices
December 8, 2007, 1:09 am
Filed under: sex advice

Hold on to your heads, dear readers, because today I’m going to tackle a topic that may be incredibly disturbing and disgusting to many of you. But I am a blogger for all of you, not just most of you, and there is a significant number of you who are into certain unusual zombie practices.

Yes, I’m talking about fetishes.

I can hear you saying, already, “A little hanky-panky in the graveyard is one thing, STFZ, but making it a part of your existence? Come on!” Fetishes are deeply misunderstood, and certainly there are miserable zombies out there who cannot be satisfied without pulling out their eye and rubbing themselves in the freshly killed cavity of a camel. But for every poor, unsatisfied freak, there are hundreds of perfectly normal zombies who live unremarkable lives save for the excitements in their bedroom. And if their partners are willing and interested, and no harm is done, who are we to say they are wrong? There’s not much difference between a little hanky-panky and a little bit more hanky-panky, to spice up your sex life. Who of us hasn’t experimented with pulling out our intestines, just to see how it might feel? Or detaching our tongues temporarily, just so we could reach those hard-to-reach places while having intercourse? So keep your minds open – you might discover new heights of pleasure you’ve never thought of before.

By far the most common fetish people write to me about is that of being eaten. One of my friends claims that many fetishes develop from a desire to confront and control our fears, and certainly being eaten is up there. I’ve often woken up from many a nightmare of hordes of humans surrounding me, with machetes, just ready to chop me to bits and cook me in a stew. *shudder* To those of you who may like to participate in this fetish though, you must make sure not to get carried away. It may seem like a good idea to let your lover eat each finger, one by one, but when you come out of your orgasm high, you may realize that the inconvenience of being fingerless was probably not worth the brief moments of pleasure you had. So make sure you come up with your limits before you indulge, or you may wake up without your last eyeball and no idea what you could have been thinking.

Similarly, your choice of partners is much more difficult than in the realm of more “normal” sex. Do you trust your partner to stop at just your pinky? Or do you think he or she might nibble just a little bit more, because it is so tasty? Once the body part is gone, it’s gone forever. And someone else’s hand just never quite feels the same.

For zombies who lack teeth or a mouth or a tongue, there are definitely other ways to indulge in this rare pleasure. You can easily find a spare set of teeth from the teeming humans around – if you keep the jaw intact, you can easily operate it with your hand. It’s not quite the same, I’m told, but certainly it can still offer plenty of pleasure.

Anyway, I hope my brief pieces of advice are useful, and remember, as always, if you have any questions or want any sex tips for zombies – just write!