Sex Tips For Zombies

The Etiquette of Lending a Body Part
April 5, 2008, 12:45 am
Filed under: etiquette | Tags:

First of all, I must apologize for the long delay between posts. The U.S. Army showed up a few months ago and tried to wipe us out. Fortunately, our strength in numbers prevailed. It’s been quite a struggle, though, with all these new zombies in the streets, looking for places to stay and sometimes stealing our food.

In any case, with these new zombies around, I wish to talk about an age-old issue: the etiquette of loaning a friend a body part. Really, the best advice I can give you is: Don’t do it.

You may think that it’s no big deal, that you’d never miss your nose for a few weeks, but the thing is, body parts aren’t that easy to come by. Especially after a war, there’s often more zombies than fingers to go around, and everyone wants to have full functionality. Aside from the more disreputable schemers, who have no intention of returning your cherished ear or hand, there are many many zombies who are simply irresponsible. Body parts are fairly fragile, and it doesn’t take much misuse before your arm is returned, broken forever.

This goes double, nay, triple for sexual organs. Every zombie wants to keep having sex. You may not have to worry about disease, but you want to keep your sexual organs in peak condition for as long as possible. You take good care of them, making sure to wash them often and keep them dry to avoid mold and rot – but what about your friend? Once she realizes that she can borrow one organ, she may feel that it is no big deal to obtain another one. This sort of attitude leads to carelessness and rotting crotches.

You must not be swayed by pity. If you lend your penis to your friend because he has some hot date and is embarrassed by the condition of his penis – he will want to borrow it again and again for future dates. Each time, he will come to you, begging and pleading, and if you relent once, you will find yourself relenting again and again, until it is not your penis anymore – it is his.

“But STFZ,” I can hear you ask,”What if *I’m* the one in need? Is there any recourse for me, if I have, through no fault of my own, lost this most important equipment?” Though most loss of sexual equipment is due to carelessness, it does no good to remonstrate over past mistakes. What’s done is done, and now you must put in effort to move past your mistakes and earn a new set of equipment. Begging and borrowing is not the solution here. Instead, you must be honest about your goals. Ask around if anyone has a spare penis, clitoris, vagina, or whatever sexual equipment you are seeking at the time. Many zombies, if they come across sexual equipment, will save it in case they need it later, or in case they want an extra set for added excitement. Often, you can find something they desire in trade for these spares. The aftermath of a war often offers good pickings for an enterprising zombie: many zombies are killed, but their body parts are still fairly fresh. Make sure not to pass up other organs which are in high demand: eyes are always needed, as well as thumbs and hands.

It can often be useful even if you are offered sexual equipment that you are uninterested in. There are always zombies who wish to switch around their sexual equipment, having gotten bored of vaginas and wishing to try their hand at penises, for example. In general, for an enterprising zombie, there is always a way to work your way towards the sexual organs of your dreams.

In conclusion, I shall leave you with some advice on how to keep your sexual organs in peak condition, so you shall never be in the sad position of wanting to beg for a loan.

1. Gently clean your body parts regularly with diluted vinegar and soapy water. The vinegar will keep your body surfaces slightly acidic, which retards the growth of mold and bacteria. The soapy water will remove any growths which have already begun. Do not use too much force – you don’t want to scrape away skin.

2. For care of your vagina and anus, carefully dilate and wash within the opening every night, again with vinegar and soap. The inside of that moist, dark tube is ideal for mold and bacterial growth and is the most difficult to keep clean. A soft towel wrapped around a handle can help you reach if you cannot detach your hands easily.

3. If you are not currently using your sexual organs, the best thing is to store them in a cool, dry location. Make sure to clean them often, and keep them hydrated but not wet. When detached, the risk of drying out and becoming desiccated is as great as the risk of mold or bacteria. You want your organs to remain plump and soft, not shriveled and dry. I find that misting them every other day keeps them in optimal condition.

If you follow this simple care regimen, you should have no problem looking as fresh and natural-looking as the day you died. Good luck!