Sex Tips For Zombies

October 21, 2008, 8:04 pm
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There comes a time in most zombies’ lives when we want to start a family. Since this is a topic that is dear to my heart (yes, Darwin and I are doing *quite* well!) I want to give some advice on how best to go about doing this.

First and foremost, you need to decide what age you want your children to be. The age is the most important because it determines a lot about how your family is going to be. Do you want elementary-school children, who will largely be dependent on you for support and sustenance? Or do you want older children, who will soon become self-sufficient but may reject your parental guidance, even run away from home? Younger children are of course the most appealing to most zombies, but this is a huge responsibility to take on. Remember, being undead means that they will be dependent on you until you rot away or they do, unless you find someone else who is willing to take care of them and whom they also like. Most zombies don’t realize this, and after a few years or so quickly become tired, leading to the dozens of feral abandoned children you see wandering the streets. Some shelters do take them in, but their resources are limited. Still, if you want a younger child, please do consider adopting instead of making your own.

Once you know the age you want, you can plan your form of attack. Younger children are best found near schools, where there are a lot of them and it can be relatively easy to lure one off by itself. Look for playgrounds and ball parks near the woods, where you can lurk until a single child runs into the woods looking for a ball or just a place to cry. Many parents-to-be fixate on having a red-haired child or a boy or a short kid, but the best thing is just to be open to providence. If your requirements are too strict, you may find yourself taking unecessary risks or waiting years before you find the child you are looking for.

Older children are a little easier to find, since they like to be off by themselves. Sometimes bathrooms are a good place to lurk, if you can disguise your smell. They are usually more alert and aware, though, so it is harder to take them by surprise. It is best to have a few midwives along if you are hoping for an older child, to help subdue him or her.

Now that you have found a child, you need to make sure your new baby zombie adapts well to the new environment. When they wake up, they will be hungry, so make sure to have a good supply of rotting meat and brains ready. The larger they are, the more they will want to eat. It is usually a good idea to tie them down to something the first few days, because (as you might remember) their raging hunger could lend them far more strength than you might expect. It will probably take a few days before they come back to their senses and begin to recognize you as family. Some people claim it helps to talk to them during this transitional period, calling them son or daughter and cementing your parent-child relationship.

If you already have children and are considering more children, remember that your existing children may find it painful to watch this birth of their new sibling, especially if they have only recently been born. Sometimes jealousy may also be an issue, as they worry that your attention and care will be focused on the new baby and they will become less important to you. The key here is to talk to them and make sure to spend plenty of time reassuring that they will still be important to you. Sometimes it helps to bring them extra servings of brains to make sure they understand that you still intend to continue providing for them. Also, if you enlist their help in picking out a new brother or sister, they may feel more included in the process and thus less likely to reject the new child.

Well, that’s all the tips I can think of for now, so I hope you found that useful! If you have additional advice for new parents, please send it my way – I always appreciate learning better ways of doing things.


Bondage Safety Tips
October 13, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, safer sex

Dear Sex Tips for Zombies,

After reading that article on Cosmo recently about spicing up our sex life with a little bondage in bed, my girlfriend and I decided to try it out.  She tied me up, and we start making out.  We’re grinding along, hearing that lovely wet sound that our hearts make when they rub against each other, when all of a suddent she sits up in shock.  In our enthusiasm, we pulled my arm off!  I managed to put it back with a little sewing but please tell us how we can enjoy bondage without risking dismemberment?

Thankfully yours,

Totally Armless Fun.

TAF, I have two words for you: Saran Wrap.  With a little plastic bondage, we can make sure your body parts stay intact and connected, while still giving you all the fun of bondage.  Let the plastic wrap help support the strain of your sexual escapades.  Just wrap your limbs up, paying special attention to your joints and other easily detachable areas.  Since the hip area can also be a problem, you can make sure to wrap all around your groin, and then cut out the appropriate holes in the saran wrap to allow all the genital contact you desire.  Saran wrap is also particularly useful for keeping innards in place during strenuous activity (assuming part of the fun isn’t those innards getting out, of course).  Hope that helps!