Sex Tips For Zombies


Do Zombies Dream of Electric Brains?
February 28, 2009, 12:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

With the recent discovery of humans infiltrating our society, here are 10 helpful hints for how to tell if your loved one is secretly a human:

  1. You find yourself often intrigued by their brains, to the extent of wondering if you may be developing a brain fetish.   (For any humans reading this, no, we largely do not see brains as sexual.  Just like most humans don’t see a side of steak as sexual.)
  2. They never want to put out…literally.
  3. They seem to have some sort of trick to avoid decomposing as fast as everyone else.  (Of course, some zombies use deep-freezing to achieve the same effect, so be careful of starting a witch hunt.)
  4. Open wounds seem to mysteriously move around.
  5. They never want to play “where’s the finger”, unless it’s with your finger.
  6. They speak in complete sentences more often than not.
  7. When you surprise them, their first reaction is to cower and scream.
  8. When they think you’re not watching, their lurch magically disappears.
  9. They seem overly concerned about hygiene.  If they’re always wiping down everything you touch with antibacterial sprays or soap, they may be a human.
  10. If they constantly wipe themselves off with antibacterial soap right after you touch them or give them a friendly nibble…good lord, why are you reading this list?  Just eat their brains (JETB) already.  Stop deluding yourself!  Turn them into a zombie and you can still have your happily ever after.


Self-Referential Zombie Sighting: Fleshbot Sex Blog Roundup
February 24, 2009, 11:26 pm
Filed under: activism, zombie sightings

Did I say earlier that we had arrived? Well, not only have zombies begun to conquer mainstream, straight-laced media such as the Economist, this blog was mentioned today as one of the Award Winning Performances of the Fleshbot Sex Blog Roundup.

Zombies, we are no longer unfairly silenced!  We speak on desire and with desire, and we’re getting the recognition we deserve as full, sensual and sexual beings.  We’re not just flesh-eating, brain-gorging, decomposing undead creatures…we are flesh-eating, brain-devouring, decomposing undead creatures with sexual needs and wants, just like vampires, just like werewolves, just like any other supernatural or undead creatures.

My goal with this blog has always been to create a voice and a space for our sexuality.  Only you can tell me how well I’ve done thus far, but I really feel that having a blog on zombie sex promoted as part of a list of more typical sex blogs really says something about how acceptable zombie sex has become.  So while I am glad for zombiekind that we made the cover of the Economist, it’s making this list on Fleshbot that makes my heart tremble and my eyes tear up and slide out.  I hope this is only the first step to moving zombie sexuality out from the deep chasm of shame we grew up with.



Sex Toys for Zombies: Hitachi Magic Wand
February 23, 2009, 8:37 pm
Filed under: reviews | Tags:

New feature! Sex Toys for Zombies will look at traditional sex toys and how well they work for the zombie physique.  Look for future reviews in upcoming months.  All reviews will be tagged “sex toys for zombies” for your searching convenience.

So you want to spice up your sex life, or you have heard so much about the Hitachi that you want to try it for yourself.  Will it give you multiple magical orgasms?  Or will it just be too intense?

It’s a very intimidating looking toy, to be sure – all beige and white and blue, like a dentist’s office, back when we used to worry about our teeth falling out.  (Now we can just pop them right back in.)  Perhaps you used to use it as a human, but how does it work for zombies?  That’s what sex toys for zombies is here for!  When I popped the thing out of its holder, it was much bigger and more intimidating than I expected.  I turned it on to the “low” setting, and and immediately had to switch to my right hand because my left hand has been a bit loose ever since I got it caught in a door.  This thing is seriously intense.

My genitals happened to be in pretty good shape, so I decided to give it a shot.  I’d been keeping them cold every night (something I recommend if you plan to be having a lot of sex – this keeps them firm and helps reduce decomposition).  Even the low setting made me quite squirmy, but I couldn’t get off.  The high setting felt like it was going to rub my clitoris clean off my pubic bone!  Clearly, I was using this wrong.

I went to my favorite sex tips adviser for help, my friend Jane.  “You can’t expect to just whip out something this intense and have it work right away,” she admonished me.  “You have to work up to it!”  So I lay down and she started rubbing the vibrating ball gently around my genital area, never quite touching my clitoris.  That, I have to say, worked like a charm.  Before long she had switched to the High setting and I was having the most intense orgasm of my life.

After I had recovered some, I offered to reciprocate, but she demurred.  “I left my clitoris with my boyfriend yesterday,” she said.  “We’re planning to have some phone sex later today.”

So, the toy takes some getting used to, to be sure, but it is quite lovely once you figure out how to use it.  I particularly liked the fact that it has quite a low-voiced vibration, making it even easier to relax into if you don’t start off with it directly on your clit like I did.

Oh, for all of you who have read thus far, I offer this bonus sex tip: you can sometimes short circuit the slow arousal time by soaking your genital area in a little fresh blood before you play.  The spongy tissue will absorb the blood, making you even more aroused by the time you start with the play.  Just a warning though – electricity and liquids don’t play well together, so make sure you take your genitals out of the blood bath before you put a vibrator in.



Zombie sightings: We have ARRIVED
February 22, 2009, 12:18 pm
Filed under: activism, zombie sightings

I’m adding some new features to this blog in the coming weeks.  One of these will be Zombie Sightings, where I highlight zombie appearances and activism in the media.  We’re out, we’re proud, and we won’t be denied anymore!

As part of this new feature, i welcome all readers to contribute their own local zombie sightings.  Please send any and all zombie sightings to sextipsforzombies at gmail.com, with the subject “Zombie sightings”.

20090207issuecovus400economist2

When mainstream, fuddy-duddy magazines such as The Economist starts picking up on the zombie trends, you know you have arrived.  Check out the cover of their February 13th American edition, shown on the right.  Zombies on the cover!

Look for zombies on the cover of Cosmo or Vogue next – I would not be surprised!  If in 5 years we are complaining about zombie posers and zombie groupies…which of us would really trade in that sort of general acceptance to the hard fight for recognition that we’re undergoing now?  Not I, that’s for sure.



Sometimes humans do get it right
February 21, 2009, 3:37 pm
Filed under: zombie sightings

Today I need to give a shout out to Miss Calico who wrote a post a few days ago that floored me with how beautifully she captured a quintessentially zombie experience:

And if you’re squeamish, skip this paragraph — but it brings me to my last biology class on dissection day, staying late at the request of adult students who heretofore hadn’t shown a flicker of interest. They were riveted. I want to see the brain, my lab partner pleaded in her heavily accented English. And so we opened the pig all up, going through the organs just because we could. Can I touch it? she would say each time. With her gloved finger she would stroke it, experiencing its anatomy through her fingertips in some way she understood – the tough little heart that turned the scalpel; the bones, still flexible; the wrinkled brain, soft like quiche.

Her writing reminds me of that day I lost my virginity, that breathless moment when I plunged my hand into my boyfriend’s head, to stroke his brain, feeling that warmth and buttery softness floating there.  I remember the way his hand felt on my heart, and how it felt as he traced the wrinkles on my brain.

I lost my virginity the way I always dreamed I would, lying side by side together with someone I loved, young and confused and lost in the wonder of what lay inside our unfamiliar bodies.  Since then we’ve both moved on, to other relationships.  We’ve gotten older, though not necessarily less confused, and the wonder and strangeness of our bodies has faded a little.  But I’ll always remember how it was.



Skullfucking
February 8, 2009, 1:08 pm
Filed under: safer sex

I’ve done it, you’ve done it…even your parents did it – but do you know how to do it safely?

I brought in certified sex educator Sel Murno to help answer my questions.  “Skullfucking is one of the safer zombie sex acts,” he said, “but because it’s seen as not quite ‘real’ sex, zombies tend to engage in it with little preparation and no thought at all to safety.”  It turns out that eye sockets and brain cavities are actually quite a nice breeding ground for disease due to the largely-enclosed, damp nature of those spaces.  Too much skullfucking without careful cleaning of all the organs involved or use of protection can quickly lead to eye infections and brainrot – hassles that you could probably do without.

Not to mention this poor zombie who wrote in last week: her date was going really well, and they had begun to get carried away when her date stepped on her eye.  It turned out she had taken it out and set it on the nightstand, but witth their excitement they’d knocked into it and it rolled onto the floor.  She was pretty upset by the whole experience, of course, and the date ended rather quickly after that.

We all know that finding a new eye, particularly one that matches, is quite a challenge.  So be careful out there, fellow zombies.  Remember that eyeballs are round and can roll. Use a condom or just wash out your head carefully after any skullfucking and you’ll be able to avoid many hassles and unpleasant surprises.