Sex Tips For Zombies

February 8, 2009, 1:08 pm
Filed under: safer sex

I’ve done it, you’ve done it…even your parents did it – but do you know how to do it safely?

I brought in certified sex educator Sel Murno to help answer my questions.  “Skullfucking is one of the safer zombie sex acts,” he said, “but because it’s seen as not quite ‘real’ sex, zombies tend to engage in it with little preparation and no thought at all to safety.”  It turns out that eye sockets and brain cavities are actually quite a nice breeding ground for disease due to the largely-enclosed, damp nature of those spaces.  Too much skullfucking without careful cleaning of all the organs involved or use of protection can quickly lead to eye infections and brainrot – hassles that you could probably do without.

Not to mention this poor zombie who wrote in last week: her date was going really well, and they had begun to get carried away when her date stepped on her eye.  It turned out she had taken it out and set it on the nightstand, but witth their excitement they’d knocked into it and it rolled onto the floor.  She was pretty upset by the whole experience, of course, and the date ended rather quickly after that.

We all know that finding a new eye, particularly one that matches, is quite a challenge.  So be careful out there, fellow zombies.  Remember that eyeballs are round and can roll. Use a condom or just wash out your head carefully after any skullfucking and you’ll be able to avoid many hassles and unpleasant surprises.


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