Sex Tips For Zombies

Sex Toys for Zombies: Hitachi Magic Wand
February 23, 2009, 8:37 pm
Filed under: reviews | Tags:

New feature! Sex Toys for Zombies will look at traditional sex toys and how well they work for the zombie physique.  Look for future reviews in upcoming months.  All reviews will be tagged “sex toys for zombies” for your searching convenience.

So you want to spice up your sex life, or you have heard so much about the Hitachi that you want to try it for yourself.  Will it give you multiple magical orgasms?  Or will it just be too intense?

It’s a very intimidating looking toy, to be sure – all beige and white and blue, like a dentist’s office, back when we used to worry about our teeth falling out.  (Now we can just pop them right back in.)  Perhaps you used to use it as a human, but how does it work for zombies?  That’s what sex toys for zombies is here for!  When I popped the thing out of its holder, it was much bigger and more intimidating than I expected.  I turned it on to the “low” setting, and and immediately had to switch to my right hand because my left hand has been a bit loose ever since I got it caught in a door.  This thing is seriously intense.

My genitals happened to be in pretty good shape, so I decided to give it a shot.  I’d been keeping them cold every night (something I recommend if you plan to be having a lot of sex – this keeps them firm and helps reduce decomposition).  Even the low setting made me quite squirmy, but I couldn’t get off.  The high setting felt like it was going to rub my clitoris clean off my pubic bone!  Clearly, I was using this wrong.

I went to my favorite sex tips adviser for help, my friend Jane.  “You can’t expect to just whip out something this intense and have it work right away,” she admonished me.  “You have to work up to it!”  So I lay down and she started rubbing the vibrating ball gently around my genital area, never quite touching my clitoris.  That, I have to say, worked like a charm.  Before long she had switched to the High setting and I was having the most intense orgasm of my life.

After I had recovered some, I offered to reciprocate, but she demurred.  “I left my clitoris with my boyfriend yesterday,” she said.  “We’re planning to have some phone sex later today.”

So, the toy takes some getting used to, to be sure, but it is quite lovely once you figure out how to use it.  I particularly liked the fact that it has quite a low-voiced vibration, making it even easier to relax into if you don’t start off with it directly on your clit like I did.

Oh, for all of you who have read thus far, I offer this bonus sex tip: you can sometimes short circuit the slow arousal time by soaking your genital area in a little fresh blood before you play.  The spongy tissue will absorb the blood, making you even more aroused by the time you start with the play.  Just a warning though – electricity and liquids don’t play well together, so make sure you take your genitals out of the blood bath before you put a vibrator in.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

STfZ, you’re my kind of wrong! ❤

Comment by zombiehat

Glad you enjoyed it, zombiehat!

PS, good call on the hat – protects your brains, especially if your skull got crushed or something.

Comment by sextipsforzombies

[…] start working your fingers into her slowly.  Focus on getting her aroused and relaxed.  My previous hint on soaking genitals in blood prior to sexual activity may be especially useful here.  Going very […]

Pingback by Fisting 101 for Zombies « Sex Tips For Zombies

I love my sex toys….

Comment by belladivine

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