Sex Tips For Zombies

Do Zombies Dream of Electric Brains?
February 28, 2009, 12:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

With the recent discovery of humans infiltrating our society, here are 10 helpful hints for how to tell if your loved one is secretly a human:

  1. You find yourself often intrigued by their brains, to the extent of wondering if you may be developing a brain fetish.   (For any humans reading this, no, we largely do not see brains as sexual.  Just like most humans don’t see a side of steak as sexual.)
  2. They never want to put out…literally.
  3. They seem to have some sort of trick to avoid decomposing as fast as everyone else.  (Of course, some zombies use deep-freezing to achieve the same effect, so be careful of starting a witch hunt.)
  4. Open wounds seem to mysteriously move around.
  5. They never want to play “where’s the finger”, unless it’s with your finger.
  6. They speak in complete sentences more often than not.
  7. When you surprise them, their first reaction is to cower and scream.
  8. When they think you’re not watching, their lurch magically disappears.
  9. They seem overly concerned about hygiene.  If they’re always wiping down everything you touch with antibacterial sprays or soap, they may be a human.
  10. If they constantly wipe themselves off with antibacterial soap right after you touch them or give them a friendly nibble…good lord, why are you reading this list?  Just eat their brains (JETB) already.  Stop deluding yourself!  Turn them into a zombie and you can still have your happily ever after.

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