Sex Tips For Zombies


Zombie Stripping
March 23, 2009, 10:21 pm
Filed under: activism

In my little corner of the blogosphere, sexual exploitation of newly-made zombies is big news. These new zombies often find themselves dazed and confused, suddenly friendless in a strange new world with strange new rules. Furthermore, they are often just starting to get used to their new bodies, and lack the dexterity to defend themselves should the need arise. While most of us had fairly good experiences, there are a few zombies who get whisked away into the underworld, never to return.

Now, I’m an openly sex-positive zombie, and I speak up in favor of all sorts of “deviant” desires and such.  My general feeling is that as long as everyone’s having fun and no one permanently loses an eye, it’s your business, not mine. But there’s a new practice that I’ve heard about which simply turns my stomach. It’s called Zombie Stripping. The idea is that one of these poor zombies is herded onto a stage, and forced to remove skin, organs, appendages, and bones, until the zombie is completely scattered. Apparently this is a serious turn-on for some zombies.

I’m not sure whether zombies understand the seriousness of the situation.  I’m sure many of the people who pay to enter these illegal clubs don’t really bother to think about it.  Let me explain it to you: these zombies remove all their organs and appendages and tossing them to the audience, until they are completely helpless.  Imagine this: your eyes have rolled to one corner, but your hands are wandering around somewhere else, somewhere you can’t see.  Your feet are also in some unknown location, and you have no idea where the rest of your organs are.  Someone’s fondling your penis somewhere and you have no idea who, or if your penis is even in the same room as the rest of you.  And this will go on until some kind soul re-combines you, and even so, you are almost certainly not going to ever recover all your organs or appendages.

Now imagine that all this is happening to you, every night, because you don’t know what else to do, and because you can’t figure out how to leave the situation.  The owner of the club threatens to step on your eye if you even think about leaving.

I’m told that not all Zombie Strippers are exploited workers.  I’m told that some of them chose to do this, because they have a fetish for feeling helpless and exposed.  But I think reputable establishments for Zombie Stripping are probably extremely rare, if they exist at all.  The fact is, Stripped Zombies are in such an extreme state of helplessness that it seems almost impossible to imagine that they wouldn’t be taken advantage of.  I can imagine many ways in which zombie stripping can be done both lucratively and ethically – for instance, having a designated chaperone, or  allowing them to toss their body parts all in the same area instead of into the careless audience’s hands, such that they can manage to recombine themselves later.  Or even going only part-way, stripping out certain appendages or organs but remaining upright and in control.  None of these obvious solutions have been implemented in any of these clubs.  It’s always a mob scene, and it always goes until the poor zombie is a scattered heap.

Before you rush off to send me an angry email, let me clarify a couple of points.  First, I don’t have any problem at all with people who play with stripping in a safe setting, with trusted friends and partners.  That is not at all what I am talking about.  And secondly, my problem is not really with the fact that zombie stripping exists as a business – my problem is that this is a business conducted with dubious ethics with what seems like no intention of reform.  If you have visited one of these clubs, or still do, please spend just a few minutes thinking of what the experience must be like for these zombies.  Ask yourself the hard questions – do they look scared?  Abused?  Do you think the environment is one that is safe for them?  If you don’t like the answers, I think you should think twice before attending a zombie strip again.

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Porn Reviews: Finally, porn I can relate to
March 17, 2009, 12:15 am
Filed under: activism, reviews

I was recently offered the opportunity to review the Re-Penetrator.  Long-time readers will note that this classic zombie porn has been on my blogroll for ages, but I never found a place to rent it from.  Well, now your wait is over: I have discovered videos on demand (“VOD“)from sextoy.com offers not only the Re-Penetrator, but also many other potentially exciting zombie pornography that I have never heard of before!  Zombie sex is truly becoming more and more acceptable.  It’s a very exciting time for this old activist.

If you search for “zombie” on the site, it comes up with over 10 selections.  Some of them are horror porn but not zombie porn, but I have done the hard work and came up with 4 other movies that have potential true zombie sex in them, based on the sample screenshots offered:

I was able to watch the Re-Penetrator in its entirety, since it is only 20 minutes long.  The other movies seem to be full-length, over an hour or so.  Look for reviews of other zombie porn to come in future blog posts.

The Re-Penetrator, although short, packs a lot of action and excitement in.  I cannot recommend this film more highly – it was everything I had imagined a real zombie porn would be, and more.  Remember, I came of age during a time when zombie sex was something no one ever mentioned.  I imagined that this zombie porn would gently brush aside the resolute social conventions, but no.  Instead, the Re-Penetrator smashes the wall of silence down with exuberance and a shameless sense of self-gratification.  Bravo, Burning Angel.  Bravo.

The plot is simple, but also deep.  A mad scientist (a human) brings to life our zombie heroine with his serum of undeath, specially formulated to instill in her a deep need for sex.  I find this very interesting: by placing a human in the role of opening the gateway to zombie sex, the movie symbolically locates the desire for zombie sex as a natural urge, just as natural as how we zombies are created – ie, from humans.

From then on, the movie gets right on with the hot, steamy action.  There is  plenty of blood to liven up the sex, something which I was pleasantly surprised to see.  Though bloody sex is a bit of a luxury for us zombies who must hunt out our own blood, it definitely helped make the sex even more exciting for me.  Joanna Angel is supurb as our zombie heroine, and Tommy Pistol makes for quite a dashingly tasty human.  The sex itself is largely human-centric, though that makes quite a lot of sense given that this is a groundbreaking film and I suspect Tommy Pistol is actually human, which does limits the options a bit.  Vitophiliacs, you’ll definitely enjoy this one, I think.

The best part, though, comes in the last few minutes of this film.  I won’t spoil it for you, but let me just say that the climax of the film is not (as it is in human porn) when the male ejaculates.  It’s something much better.  Watch it, you really won’t be disappointed!

One last note: the soundtrack to this porn is very original and largely punk and heavy metal, including the song “Fucking Zombies” by The Secretions.  I certainly appreciated that over the largely un-listenable music humans tend to play as background to their sex.

Anyway, you can browse their selection of DVDs and VOD here. Search for “zombie” or “undead”, and if you find movies I have missed, drop me a line!



There’s hope for you vitaphiliacs yet…
March 10, 2009, 12:20 am
Filed under: sex advice, zombie sightings

In my last post on vitaphilia, I stressed how difficult it is to find that special human who sees us as zombies and not as targets or unnaturally animated corpses.  Today I ran across a website which offered some tips for humans who wish to date zombies.  So have hope! There seem to be a growing number of humans out there who are intrigued rather than disgusted by the thought of dating zombies.

Despite the fact that all of your friends told you not to date a zombie because you’d only get hurt, you got yourself involved with a zombie anyway. For a longterm relationship to work, you’ll have to become a zombie. However, becoming a zombie is a big step. If you’re not ready to make that leap into the next life, just use these tips to have a brief fling.

-From How to date a zombie, on ehow.com.



Zombie Sightings: Jane Austen and Devil Duckies
March 5, 2009, 11:16 pm
Filed under: zombie sightings

PrideAndPrejudiceDid you enjoy Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice?  Or even if you didn’t (like me) you will definitely appreciate the new edition which includes hundreds of previously deleted zombie scenes.  I was shocked to hear how Austen’s zombie love had been censored for years, but now I’m glad that the original version has finally been found and is now going to be published.  It’s currently slated to come out in May 2009. Look for it then at your local bookstore!  You can also pre-order it from Amazon.com.

Recently, I was at a local convention when I spotted this gem: a zombie devil ducky!  Those in-the-know understand how popular devil duckies are as a fad and a cult icon.  For zombies to join these ranks is significant indeed!  I bought it, of course…and immediately made it my icon.  For the record, yes, it does in fact also glow in the dark.



Fisting 101 for Zombies
March 3, 2009, 12:05 am
Filed under: Dear STFZ, safer sex

Dear Sex Tips for Zombies,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now and things are great.  Yesterday she asked me to fist her, but I’ve never fisted anyone before in my life and I don’t know how to do it.  I don’t want to tell her I can’t do it, because I want to make her happy, but I’m afraid of doing it wrong.  Help me, STFZ!

First-time Fister

Dear FTF,

The first thing you should absolutely do is tell her you’ve never done it before, BUT you are more than happy to try new things with her.  Any zombie will be ecstatic to learn that you are willing to explore new sexual territory with them!  You don’t mention that she’s an experienced fister or fistee, so it could be that she’s never done it before either!  In any case, here are some basic safety precautions you should take.

First of all, you need to make sure that your hands and her vagina are at room temperature (around 70 degrees Fahrenheit).  You can achieve more intense sensations by experimenting with cooling down or heating up body parts, but I recommend you leave that for when you have some experience with how it should feel already.  Room temperature is best because at that temperature, your skin and muscles will be more flexible.  Hotter temperatures can increase flexibility, but if you go too far you will start inducing rot and limpness, neither of which are usually good.  So start with room temperature.

Next, make sure you have the correct size hand for this.  It’s usually good to start small, so use the smallest hand you have to begin with (or borrow one for sizing purposes).  The correct hand size will depend on the stretchiness of her vagina and how relaxed she can get.  Different zombies prefer different widths, so many fisting aficionados tend to keep a variety of hands around to play with.

Once you have a properly-sized hand, have her lie on her back with her knees bent.  Make sure she is comfortable.  Using plenty of lubrication, start working your fingers into her slowly.  Focus on getting her aroused and relaxed.  My previous hint on soaking genitals in blood prior to sexual activity may be especially useful here.  Going very slowly, start working more fingers into her.  Sometimes people find it useful to detach their hand at this stage so they can get a better angle.

After some time of this, you will find yourself with your fingers fully in her.  The hardest part is getting past the thumb joint.  If you picked a hand that was too large, you may have to stop at this point.  If the hand is sized correctly, however, with enough patience and stimulation and lube, you should be able to eventually slide your entire hand in.  Make sure to move very slowly, especially when your hand in inside.  You don’t want to accidentally damage anything.  You can form your hand into a fist if you want to, and see if she likes that.

Most importantly, listen to your partner’s responses.  Fisting requires a lot of care and communication and patience.  It is not something to take lightly.

When you are both done, it is time to withdraw your hand.  Be very careful at this stage – I know of many zombies who have withdrawn too fast, only to leave a fingertip or two behind.  Withdraw slowly and with as much care as you took in entering.  If more lubrication is needed, add it.

Good luck, FTF!  Play safe, and I’m sure you will have a great time!



Zombie Sightings: Voltaire
March 2, 2009, 11:40 pm
Filed under: zombie sightings

Today I want to highlight talented artist and musician Voltaire. I’m not sure if he’s a zombie or not, but he has at least two lovely zombie songs and a recent album out called Zombie Prostitute. The two songs are “Brains”, off of his album BooHoo, and “Zombie Prostitute”, off of his album Zombie Prostitute.  “Brains!” is about a brain-eating alien cajoling his friend to let him eat the brains of the people around him.  “Zombie Prostitute” is about…what else?  A zombie prostitute.  Youtube has a version with pretty good sound quality – go forth and listen!  You won’t be disappointed.  And if you want to just buy the zombie songs and not the full albums, he has them for sale for $0.99 each on his myspace page (warning: has sound and is confusing).