Sex Tips For Zombies

Zombie Medical Science Advances, or, So That’s Why My Libido is So Strong Now That I’m A Zombie
April 22, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

A few weeks ago, I had the great fortune to attend a talk by distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Steven Schlozman. This was hosted by the Coolidge Corner Theatre, which as it turns out is a great supporter of zombie rights. Now, as you know, much of how and why we are the way we are is still unexplained by human science, so I very much looked forward to hearing about the recent advances in understanding our bodies. His talk was fairly thorough, though it became clear very early on just how much still needs to be researched. A professor from Michigan wrote that by the classic laws of biology, our dead flesh should not be able to move, due to the lack of oxygen. Nevertheless, we do lurch, and shamble, and we do have control over our dead flesh (some more than others).

We already know some things, just through our common experience. We know that cold allows us to stave off decomposition and preserves our bodies. We know that we need freshly killed flesh to continue to unlive (preferably humans, as they are the tastiest and most nutritious). We know that we can suffer almost all injuries without much impediment. We know that it is hard to perform cross-species grafts, but it is easy to exchange organs and limbs with other zombies. We know all these things to be true, because we experience them,but we still don’t know why things are the way they are.  I would love to see more scientists start making strides in this rich field of study.

Dr. Schlozman has made a strong foray into zombie medical science.  In his lecture he puts forth a theory of zombie brain function.  He suggests that while in humans, the amygdala is well-modulated and frontal lobe function is strong, in zombies, our frontal lobe function is decreased while the amydala is stronger.  This results in stronger “base” desires, such as rage, hunger, fear…and lust.  (Yes, now I have a scientific theory as to why it is typical for zombie libidos to be much stronger than their previous human ones….)

Yes, fellow readers, he mentioned lust.  I was wriggling in my seat with joy.  Unfortunately, he did not elaborate on lust as he did on hunger and other desires.  But I will take my victories where I can: five years ago no self-respecting professor would mention zombie lust in a serious lecture.  Today, it was taken easily in stride by the packed lecture hall.

Anyway, if you are interested in the lecture, you can watch the video (video podcast?), or you can wait for his comprehensive paper to come out – soon to be published in Progress in Neurobiology.

After his lecture followed the screening of the classic horror film, Night of the Living Dead.  I watched it, but I had to cover my eyes when the zombies were lit on fire, and also in the last scene when the poor defenseless zombies were picked off one-by-one by callous human posse.  For all that it is a very human-centric film, I liked how the humans were shown to be the unfeeling, fractious, and controlling beings that they are often in real life.  Humans make much of their frontal lobe domination, but honestly, we zombies manage quite well without it and I think things are much better that way.


Zombie Sightings: Poetry for The Undead
April 15, 2009, 9:10 pm
Filed under: reviews, zombie sightings

Recently I bought my very own copy of Zombie Haiku, by Ryan Mecum. I have to say, folks, this is a really awesome book. It’s got a very high production value – glossy full-color pages (you can see the blood and eyeballs in great detail!) and cute little doodles of doorknobs (“They are so lucky/that I cannot remember/how to use doorknobs”), and brilliant haikus from a zombie perspective. This wonderful book beautifully maps out yet another segment of zombie life that mainstream media has somehow left behind, in order to focus on the attacking humans part. I realize that mainstream media is quite human-centric, but really. We zombies have rich unlives without humans as well! Anyway, this is not *just* a collection of lovely haikus, but it also tells a story.
Some of my favorite haikus:

Blood is really warm.
It’s like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.

I can see through you.
Literally through your mouth
and out to the street.

I keep saying “brains.”
I remember other words,
but I just need one.

What a sweet story.  I’m not sure if your local bookstore will carry this, but it really should!  And of course there is always, which is where I got my copy ($10, totally worth it for such a pretty book).

Porn Reviews: “Porn of the Dead” and “Night of the Groping Dead”
April 4, 2009, 8:56 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews

Last night, a friend and I watched about 50 minutes of zombie porn, so you don’t need to.  Or rather, so we can tell you whether you actually want to.  We reviewed Porn of the Dead and Night of the Living Dead on the VOD service offered by

Porn of the Dead is a porn in 5 or 6 different parts, separated by simple fades.  It began very promisingly, with a wonderfully creepy atmosphere of horror.  In fact, in each segment, the set and atmosphere was extremely well-done.  You almost feel as if you’ve stepped into some sort of horror movie.  The porn also makes good use of slow-motion and stop-motion, as well as odd camera angles, in order to add a sense of the surreal. This porn was clearly directed by someone with experience with cinematography and a strong idea of what would be artistically interesting.  I particularly enjoyed the conceit in the zombie gangbang, which began with a porn shoot the middle of a misty dark wood under the light of the full moon.

The zombies are well-done and clearly some thought went into portraying the true diversity of zombies everywhere – there are zombies with open sores, as well as both grey-colored zombies and green-colored zombies.  What a nice change from the typical portrayal of only one kind of zombie!  The blood and gore are also extremely realistic.  They clearly put a lot of thought into the realism of the set, and I found it very impressive.

Unfortunately, it quickly becomes clear that this is a porn for human fetishists of zombies, rather than a porn for us.  I suspect that for many of these “zombies”, human actors and actresses were used!  In the first ten minutes I noticed zombie makeup coming off, quite obviously.   “Zombieface,” my companion remarked grumpily.  Indeed, I also found this incredibly offensive and not at all sexy.  While vitaphiliacs might rejoice at the idea of zombie fetishists, most of us prefer to be treated as sentient thinking beings instead of depicted as objects of human fascination.  After that, it became very clear exactly how human-centric this film was.  There is quite a lot of hardcore PiV action and the focus remains on the penetrative sex, rather than much zombie action.  There was some, including a glorious heart-eating scene – but those seemed to be there to add “flavor” rather than as the main focus of the sex.  One exception to this is the last segment, which featured a very erotic climax with human intestines.  Make sure not to miss that part, when you’re skipping through the seemingly-interminable minutes of human-on-fake-zombie-fucking.

Night of the Groping Dead is the polar opposite in a lot of ways.  It was rather invigorating, watching the two back-to-back.  While Porn of the Dead seemed to be shot from a very human-centric view, Night of the Groping Dead is definitely a zombie porn: by zombies, for zombies.  We begin with a great horde scene which made me a bit nostalgic for my old gang days, roaming about, attacking screaming humans.  Now, these are true zombies – lurching, groaning, with that wild-eyed gaze.  There’s even a compelling plot, involving an exploration of some common conflicts in zombie identity: world domination vs. suburban bliss, an army of zombie fucking vs. one true love.

There are plenty of zombie blood shots here for anyone, and the virgin zombie scene is heart-meltingly sweet.  My companion was also particularly impressed by the pussy-eating – and it’s true that for some reason that is not as often shown as dick-eating.  I found the intro scene (which gets repeated at several points for plot reasons) extremely arousing, and the virgin zombie scene is also really good.  My only disappointment here is that the set is so low-budget (it looked like someone’s apartment) – I really wanted to take the set of Porn of the Dead and slide it into the Night of the Groping Dead.  Definitely this is a movie to watch if you like some thoughtful plot and characterization in your porn, not just hardcore zombie action.

In summary?  I would watch Porn of the Dead for a few good scenes and its great set and cinematography, but I think Night of the Groping Dead is a far better zombie porn for all it’s low-budget heritage.  It was 47 minutes long, and compelled us to watch almost 30 minutes of it – a far better record than Porn of the Dead, which was 1 hr 40 minutes long, of which we watched about 20 minutes.  I will always have a fondness for the Re-Penetrator, but I am definitely excited at the explosion of new films in this genre!

Again, if you find any new zombie porn I haven’t yet discovered here, please let me know!

Furry Zombies?
April 3, 2009, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I was a furry in real life before I became a zombie, and to my surprise I found that I am still a furry.  I fell in with a group of zombies who became furries after their transformation.  I would never have imagined what they have done!  My friend Bob goes around with cat paws instead of hands and has managed some clever way to attach a cat tail to his bum.  Janice sometimes goes around with a dog head instead of her own head.  However, all their substitutions have to be temporary, since we haven’t yet been able to successfully switch our body parts with those of our favored animals.  We’ve tried turning pets into zombies first, and then exchanging hands and heads, but it never takes.  The heads and paws just keep being their animal parts while our bodies remain under our control.  When we use dead animal heads and paws, well, it works fine for a while but then it gets old, not being able to use our hands.  There has to be a solution to this problem!  Please help us, STFZ!

Fantasizing Furry

Dear FF,

You may be surprised to find that you are not the only zombie to have encountered this problem.  Check out the researches of Dr. Paterson Roberts, who pioneered cross-species exchanges.  We all know that it is trivial to exchange body parts and such with other human zombies, but cross-species exchanges are much more difficult.  Dr. Roberts began her work with chimpanzees, but has since made a broad study of many animals, including giraffes, hummingbirds, sea lions, and bears.  Unfortunately, I do not think she ever did any work with cats or dogs – perhaps those species seemed too mundane to her.

Her conclusions are still inconclusive, but she had middling success with transplants between humans and monkeys, as well as between gorillas and chimpanzees.  She achieved the most success by soaking the ends in a mixture of the blood from both species before attempting attachment.  Unfortunately, her work is still on-going, and you can see that it is a very new field of research, with very few practical results as of yet.  It seems that your fantasy will have to remain a fantasy, at least for now.