Sex Tips For Zombies

Zombie Sightings: More Ways To Show Your Support
May 25, 2009, 9:43 am
Filed under: zombie sightings

Alert reader Worrggh sent me a link to Humerus, a wonderful site with a good zombie focus.  Check it out!


Zombie Sightings: Colin
May 24, 2009, 8:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The news for zombies keeps getting better and better.  I recently heard about COLIN, a new movie which finally tells the story of the rise of the zombies from a zombie perspective. It’s about time that our voices were heard!

Dear STFZ: Threesomes?
May 23, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice

Dear STFZ,

I’ve had this fantasy for a while. My zombie partner and I, we’d go find a tasty looking human to eat. But instead of eating him, we would bring him home, take him to bed, and eat him slowly while fucking each other. Have you heard of this fetish before? So far I haven’t been able to find any zombie who wants to do this. Some are turned off by the sex-with-living aspects, others are turned off by the sex-with-food aspect of the fantasy. 😦 How do I find someone who is willing to indulge in this kink with me? Am I doomed to only roleplay this scene out in my mind?

Desperate for a Nibble

Dear Desperate,

Do not fear: I can personally attest that there are more of you out there.  In fact, I have received more than a few emails just like yours.  The problem is, however, that you may not have anything in common with your fellow fetishists other than this particular desire.  While shared sexual compatibility is important, a relationship is built on far more than simply shared sexual interests.  So I would caution you from getting caught up in this one particular kink when searching for a partner.

I wasn’t entirely sure, however, if you were looking for a relationship partner or merely just some fun.  If it is the latter, I would suggest using the internet to search for fellow fetishists.  If you are too decomposed to comfortably use the internet (then how are you reading this blog?), I recommend asking the help of a fellow zombie, or capturing a human who is willing to help you in return for his/her life.  The web is a good place to start because it is a useful way to bring people from all different areas of the country together.  On a singles site you can “meet” many more people and more quickly than you can at a bar or coffee shop.  Establish your interest in this particular kinky fun right off, and you will screen out everyone who is going to be turned off by it.  I am sure there will be some zombies who would be all for indulging your kink, in which case all you have to do is to meet up and find a hapless victim.  [Also note that the first time you meet someone from the internet you should do so in a public place.  Do not assume that just because you get along with someone online that you will get along with them face-to-face.]

If you are looking for a relationship / partnership which includes this kink, your chances are much smaller.  Be willing to compromise: perhaps the love of your life will not be willing to share a whole human during sex, but will be willing to eat a human right before or right after.  Or perhaps he/she will be willing to indulge you so much as feeding you an eye or a finger while you masturbate.  Stay flexible, and you will be much more likely to satisfy your needs reasonably well.

Good luck, Desperate!

Zombie Sightings: Necrocards
May 20, 2009, 8:41 pm
Filed under: activism, zombie sightings

When I began this blog, I expected to encounter serious resistance and bigotry against the ideas of zombie sex.  I have encountered such bigotry, but what has made an even bigger impression on me has been the sheer groundswell of support for this core concept – and not just from the zombie and undead communities.  There are, in any society, progressive and far-thinking beings who think more clearly and more fairly than their peers.  Previously I wrote about MissCalico, who wrote in a very zombie way about dissection.  Today my featured blogger goes even further.  Steward Home writes poignantly of the sexual bigotry he tries to draw attention to with his creation of Necrocards:

To be honest if I was given the opportunity to have sex with a stiff, I’d probably pass it up. However, if prior to their death someone has given their consent to necrophiliac sex, then I don’t really see what moral objections can be raised against it. One of the things that makes the world an interesting place is a wide variety of sexual tastes. People should be free to experiment sexually as long as this is done with the consent of those they are shagging. Not accepting this principle has serious implications for those practicing sado-masochism. A good deal of sexual bigotry is still sanctioned by law. It should go without saying that consent is only possible when all those partaking in a sexual act enjoy social equality. Given the power differentials between adults and children, paedophilia can never be consensual and thus it should be condemned as an utterly unacceptable and inappropriate form of behaviour.

Written in 1999, he probably did not anticipate the zombie outbreaks in the 2000’s.  But the philosophy still applies: dead, undead, or living, we should all be free to explore our sexual selves.  It is sad to note far we still have to go in pursuing sexual freedom, both in the laws on the books as well as the attitude on the streets.

Show your support for sexual freedom: Print out your own necrocard today!

May 4, 2009, 11:27 pm
Filed under: activism, Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I’m at my wit’s end.  My husband of 4 months no longer finds me sexy.  He never wants sex anymore.  I’ve tried everything I can think of.  I’ve tried switching around our genitals, I’ve tried cross-dressing, I’ve tried borrowing bigger breasts, I’ve tried going with no breasts, I’ve tried interesting him with threesomes and foursomes with my friends…nothing!

I’ve asked him what’s wrong, and he just says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.  He’d much rather be watching zombie porn (No thanks to you, STFZ, so I think you owe me) than having sex with his own wife.  I have to admit I am a bit on the rottier side, but what’s a zombie to do?  I think it’s pretty short-sighted of him.  Just because I’m older!

Frustrated and Ashamed

Dear Frustrated and Ashamed,

I write about acceptance of all body types and different stages of rotting, but the sad reality is, not everyone is as smart, kind, or understanding as we would hope they are.  Some day, I hope the norm would be this sort of body acceptance and positivity, but until then – unfortunately, there will always be zombies who will be unkind and unsympathetic.  Your husband is one of these people.  He should have tried to work with you, instead of just dropping you like a gnawed on bone.

It sounds like you still are happy with him and want to make this work.  Certainly you have come up with quite some good, imaginative solutions already!  So I shan’t belabor the point.  If you are not willing to dump him and find a better zombie, sit him down and have a frank discussion about what it would take to get him interested in sex with you again.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. If it is the liquidity of your skin and insides that bother him, consider investing in a lovely latex catsuit or dress.  A properly made latex outfit should hold your innards in with a soft firmness, in whatever shape you choose.   Properly cared for, will transmit sensation nicely.  Some latex outfits have cleverly designed zippers and flaps which allow access to some very nice areas.  This is generally a hefty investment, but it can definitely be worth it.  Even zombies without your particular issue sometimes like wearing latex for the sensation and also for the shape it lends their bodies.
  2. If the smell bothers him, I strongly suggest that he simply remove his nose.  This is a very simple thing that he can do, and it will save both of you a lot of heartache.  If he refuses to even do that…well, that sort of says something about how much he cares about solving this problem.
  3. If you have access to a fridge, storing yourself there for at least an hour before sex can lesson the liquefaction and also reduce odors.  If you want to hurry it up, you can use the freezer, but you should be careful to avoid staying in there too long.  Make sure that someone knows you are there and can rescue you if you become too frozen.  (If you do end up freezing yourself by accident, it is very important to defrost slowly.  Otherwise you risk different parts of you expanding or contracting at different rates, thus causing injury.  Not that I would know anything about that.)

I hope that helps, Frustrated and Ashamed!  You are certainly not the first zombie to encounter this sort of discrimination, and you will not be the last for (unfortunately) quite a while, it seems.  Partial zombies, especially those who are down to just an arm or a head or an eyeball, seem to have the toughest time dating.  One zombie I know, who was only a hand at this point, has told me how difficult it is to attract anyone’s attention, especially when it takes 5 minutes for my friend to say hello.  (On a tangent, it is quite frustrating that we still have to use human languages to communicate.  Can someone invent zomblish already?  A hand has no gender, and is therefore neither a him nor a her, and is certainly not an it, being a sentient and zombie being.  Perhaps I should leave this rant to another post.)