Sex Tips For Zombies

May 4, 2009, 11:27 pm
Filed under: activism, Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I’m at my wit’s end.  My husband of 4 months no longer finds me sexy.  He never wants sex anymore.  I’ve tried everything I can think of.  I’ve tried switching around our genitals, I’ve tried cross-dressing, I’ve tried borrowing bigger breasts, I’ve tried going with no breasts, I’ve tried interesting him with threesomes and foursomes with my friends…nothing!

I’ve asked him what’s wrong, and he just says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.  He’d much rather be watching zombie porn (No thanks to you, STFZ, so I think you owe me) than having sex with his own wife.  I have to admit I am a bit on the rottier side, but what’s a zombie to do?  I think it’s pretty short-sighted of him.  Just because I’m older!

Frustrated and Ashamed

Dear Frustrated and Ashamed,

I write about acceptance of all body types and different stages of rotting, but the sad reality is, not everyone is as smart, kind, or understanding as we would hope they are.  Some day, I hope the norm would be this sort of body acceptance and positivity, but until then – unfortunately, there will always be zombies who will be unkind and unsympathetic.  Your husband is one of these people.  He should have tried to work with you, instead of just dropping you like a gnawed on bone.

It sounds like you still are happy with him and want to make this work.  Certainly you have come up with quite some good, imaginative solutions already!  So I shan’t belabor the point.  If you are not willing to dump him and find a better zombie, sit him down and have a frank discussion about what it would take to get him interested in sex with you again.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. If it is the liquidity of your skin and insides that bother him, consider investing in a lovely latex catsuit or dress.  A properly made latex outfit should hold your innards in with a soft firmness, in whatever shape you choose.   Properly cared for, will transmit sensation nicely.  Some latex outfits have cleverly designed zippers and flaps which allow access to some very nice areas.  This is generally a hefty investment, but it can definitely be worth it.  Even zombies without your particular issue sometimes like wearing latex for the sensation and also for the shape it lends their bodies.
  2. If the smell bothers him, I strongly suggest that he simply remove his nose.  This is a very simple thing that he can do, and it will save both of you a lot of heartache.  If he refuses to even do that…well, that sort of says something about how much he cares about solving this problem.
  3. If you have access to a fridge, storing yourself there for at least an hour before sex can lesson the liquefaction and also reduce odors.  If you want to hurry it up, you can use the freezer, but you should be careful to avoid staying in there too long.  Make sure that someone knows you are there and can rescue you if you become too frozen.  (If you do end up freezing yourself by accident, it is very important to defrost slowly.  Otherwise you risk different parts of you expanding or contracting at different rates, thus causing injury.  Not that I would know anything about that.)

I hope that helps, Frustrated and Ashamed!  You are certainly not the first zombie to encounter this sort of discrimination, and you will not be the last for (unfortunately) quite a while, it seems.  Partial zombies, especially those who are down to just an arm or a head or an eyeball, seem to have the toughest time dating.  One zombie I know, who was only a hand at this point, has told me how difficult it is to attract anyone’s attention, especially when it takes 5 minutes for my friend to say hello.  (On a tangent, it is quite frustrating that we still have to use human languages to communicate.  Can someone invent zomblish already?  A hand has no gender, and is therefore neither a him nor a her, and is certainly not an it, being a sentient and zombie being.  Perhaps I should leave this rant to another post.)


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Oh STFZ, I love you!

Comment by Rona

Rona, you’re making an almost-married zombie blush. If zombies could blush. Thanks!

Comment by sextipsforzombies

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