Sex Tips For Zombies

Zombie Pets and Skelanimals
June 6, 2009, 9:04 pm
Filed under: zombie sightings

Many of us appreciate the company of animals – you may think that turning into a zombie means that you lose the pleasure of a good run with your dog, or of watching a cat sunning itself on the windowsill, but that’s not true at all. Zombies appreciate animal company. However, we have to be a bit more careful than the living in selecting our pets.

It’s one thing if you already had a pet when you turned into a zombie. Dogs, in particular, have a great tolerance and acceptance of whatever changes their owners may undergo, including death. It could be that they do not quite understand that you are dead – in fact, it often takes them a while to understand that now you have different limitations and move slower than you used to. But they remain faithful companions (most of them) and will still go on walks with you, sleep at the foot of your bed, and play fetch. (Word of advice: it is not actually a good idea to play fetch with your dog using your arm. He will not understand that this is something he shouldn’t eat.)

Cats, on the other hand, are notorious for their lack of loyalty.  If you are going to turn into a zombie, do it where your cat won’t notice, or else you might wake up minus an eye or a few toes.  However, once you are mobile and able to defend yourself again, you should be relatively safe from your cat.  Make sure to keep it well-fed and be especially wary should you start to smell like fish.  (It’s particularly hard to get smells out of rotten flesh, by the way.  Look for a post in the future on that topic.)  Cats are also particularly fastidious and tend to dislike it when you start decomposing.  Dogs tend to be happy even if your skin is partially liquified and falling off when you pet them; cats will give you a disdainful look and begin grooming right away.

(I actually have less personal experience with other animals such as snakes or mice, so I can’t really speak about them.  Anyone have experiences with other pets or advice to add?)

Of course, one of the best things about keeping your pet through the life-death transition is that you get to have your pet for much longer.  When it is about to die, simply turn it into a zombie and you can continue to have plenty of fun.  Since your pet may not completely understand what is happening, you will have to train it to be more cautious with its body and to feed it until it can fend for itself.

What if you weren’t so lucky to own a pet before you became a zombie?  Unfortunately, unless the pet already knows you, it is far more likely to attack you than it is to bond with you.  I have heard of a new zombie company that is trying to breed and train puppies and kittens from youth to be used to zombie company, but so far they have not reached the point of selling any.  Until another solution arrives, your best bet is to find a living pet and turn it into a zombie.  Unfortunately this means that you will not have as much time with your pet as if you started with a living pet, since they do not tend to understand as much about the zombie condition and act just as recklessly as they do while alive.  Some of this can be combated with training, but not everything.

And finally, for those of you who already have zombie pets, check out Skelanimals:

bill skelanimals