Sex Tips For Zombies


Review: Zombie Strippers
October 12, 2009, 12:32 am
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

zombie strippersAt its heart, Zombie Strippers is a deeply stirring tale about the emptiness of the human condition and the fulfillment of zombiedom. It is also an epic tragedy, where few if any of the characters come to an understanding of the true horrors of existence.

For a movie made by humans, for humans, it takes a surprisingly understanding view on zombie life. Historically humans have reviled and indiscriminately murdered our kind, so it is especially pleasant to see that we do have some allies among them. In the movie, the zombie strippers are depicted as being extremely desirable, as well as having their own motives and personalities (faint as those may be). Several of the human strippers voluntarily become zombies, something that we know happens fairly frequently in real life but due to human prejudice is rarely shown on film.

The writers of the movie have also clearly done some research before developing their film. I doubt that they actually bothered to meet with any real zombies, and they certainly didn’t (as usual) hire any zombies, but at least they seem to have searched out zombie-made porn, and taken some cues from that. Not great, but I have to say, better than what other human directors have bothered to do. The classic bloodshot comes early in this film, but is shot with enthusiasm and fervor. And again, zombie sexuality is paired with a heavy metal soundtrack. Is there something about heavy metal that seems appropriate for the undead? I guarantee that we have a wide variety of musical tastes here.

Where the film fails, it fails dramatically. Male zombies are shown as nothing more than mindless creatures, a throwback to the older more classic zombie films. In a movie that made such leaps forward in showing a fairer portraits of zombies, it is especially disheartening to see such a pointless, unrealistic, and discriminatory portrayal of male zombies. Many of my male friends found the movie offensive and hurtful as a result.

The film was only rated a 4.4 on IMDB, and I have to admit to feeling pretty conflicted about how to rate the film. On one hand, it is one of the most progressive portrayals of zombies I have seen to date. On the other, it introduces some deeply problematic themes that may continue to haunt us. In the end, I can only give it faint praise – which only serves to highlight the disappointing nature of human-zombie relations.



Zombie Sightings: Necrocards
May 20, 2009, 8:41 pm
Filed under: activism, zombie sightings

When I began this blog, I expected to encounter serious resistance and bigotry against the ideas of zombie sex.  I have encountered such bigotry, but what has made an even bigger impression on me has been the sheer groundswell of support for this core concept – and not just from the zombie and undead communities.  There are, in any society, progressive and far-thinking beings who think more clearly and more fairly than their peers.  Previously I wrote about MissCalico, who wrote in a very zombie way about dissection.  Today my featured blogger goes even further.  Steward Home writes poignantly of the sexual bigotry he tries to draw attention to with his creation of Necrocards:

To be honest if I was given the opportunity to have sex with a stiff, I’d probably pass it up. However, if prior to their death someone has given their consent to necrophiliac sex, then I don’t really see what moral objections can be raised against it. One of the things that makes the world an interesting place is a wide variety of sexual tastes. People should be free to experiment sexually as long as this is done with the consent of those they are shagging. Not accepting this principle has serious implications for those practicing sado-masochism. A good deal of sexual bigotry is still sanctioned by law. It should go without saying that consent is only possible when all those partaking in a sexual act enjoy social equality. Given the power differentials between adults and children, paedophilia can never be consensual and thus it should be condemned as an utterly unacceptable and inappropriate form of behaviour.

Written in 1999, he probably did not anticipate the zombie outbreaks in the 2000’s.  But the philosophy still applies: dead, undead, or living, we should all be free to explore our sexual selves.  It is sad to note far we still have to go in pursuing sexual freedom, both in the laws on the books as well as the attitude on the streets.

Show your support for sexual freedom: Print out your own necrocard today!



Dear STFZ
May 4, 2009, 11:27 pm
Filed under: activism, Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I’m at my wit’s end.  My husband of 4 months no longer finds me sexy.  He never wants sex anymore.  I’ve tried everything I can think of.  I’ve tried switching around our genitals, I’ve tried cross-dressing, I’ve tried borrowing bigger breasts, I’ve tried going with no breasts, I’ve tried interesting him with threesomes and foursomes with my friends…nothing!

I’ve asked him what’s wrong, and he just says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.  He’d much rather be watching zombie porn (No thanks to you, STFZ, so I think you owe me) than having sex with his own wife.  I have to admit I am a bit on the rottier side, but what’s a zombie to do?  I think it’s pretty short-sighted of him.  Just because I’m older!

Frustrated and Ashamed

Dear Frustrated and Ashamed,

I write about acceptance of all body types and different stages of rotting, but the sad reality is, not everyone is as smart, kind, or understanding as we would hope they are.  Some day, I hope the norm would be this sort of body acceptance and positivity, but until then – unfortunately, there will always be zombies who will be unkind and unsympathetic.  Your husband is one of these people.  He should have tried to work with you, instead of just dropping you like a gnawed on bone.

It sounds like you still are happy with him and want to make this work.  Certainly you have come up with quite some good, imaginative solutions already!  So I shan’t belabor the point.  If you are not willing to dump him and find a better zombie, sit him down and have a frank discussion about what it would take to get him interested in sex with you again.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. If it is the liquidity of your skin and insides that bother him, consider investing in a lovely latex catsuit or dress.  A properly made latex outfit should hold your innards in with a soft firmness, in whatever shape you choose.   Properly cared for, will transmit sensation nicely.  Some latex outfits have cleverly designed zippers and flaps which allow access to some very nice areas.  This is generally a hefty investment, but it can definitely be worth it.  Even zombies without your particular issue sometimes like wearing latex for the sensation and also for the shape it lends their bodies.
  2. If the smell bothers him, I strongly suggest that he simply remove his nose.  This is a very simple thing that he can do, and it will save both of you a lot of heartache.  If he refuses to even do that…well, that sort of says something about how much he cares about solving this problem.
  3. If you have access to a fridge, storing yourself there for at least an hour before sex can lesson the liquefaction and also reduce odors.  If you want to hurry it up, you can use the freezer, but you should be careful to avoid staying in there too long.  Make sure that someone knows you are there and can rescue you if you become too frozen.  (If you do end up freezing yourself by accident, it is very important to defrost slowly.  Otherwise you risk different parts of you expanding or contracting at different rates, thus causing injury.  Not that I would know anything about that.)

I hope that helps, Frustrated and Ashamed!  You are certainly not the first zombie to encounter this sort of discrimination, and you will not be the last for (unfortunately) quite a while, it seems.  Partial zombies, especially those who are down to just an arm or a head or an eyeball, seem to have the toughest time dating.  One zombie I know, who was only a hand at this point, has told me how difficult it is to attract anyone’s attention, especially when it takes 5 minutes for my friend to say hello.  (On a tangent, it is quite frustrating that we still have to use human languages to communicate.  Can someone invent zomblish already?  A hand has no gender, and is therefore neither a him nor a her, and is certainly not an it, being a sentient and zombie being.  Perhaps I should leave this rant to another post.)



Zombie Medical Science Advances, or, So That’s Why My Libido is So Strong Now That I’m A Zombie
April 22, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

A few weeks ago, I had the great fortune to attend a talk by distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Steven Schlozman. This was hosted by the Coolidge Corner Theatre, which as it turns out is a great supporter of zombie rights. Now, as you know, much of how and why we are the way we are is still unexplained by human science, so I very much looked forward to hearing about the recent advances in understanding our bodies. His talk was fairly thorough, though it became clear very early on just how much still needs to be researched. A professor from Michigan wrote that by the classic laws of biology, our dead flesh should not be able to move, due to the lack of oxygen. Nevertheless, we do lurch, and shamble, and we do have control over our dead flesh (some more than others).

We already know some things, just through our common experience. We know that cold allows us to stave off decomposition and preserves our bodies. We know that we need freshly killed flesh to continue to unlive (preferably humans, as they are the tastiest and most nutritious). We know that we can suffer almost all injuries without much impediment. We know that it is hard to perform cross-species grafts, but it is easy to exchange organs and limbs with other zombies. We know all these things to be true, because we experience them,but we still don’t know why things are the way they are.  I would love to see more scientists start making strides in this rich field of study.

Dr. Schlozman has made a strong foray into zombie medical science.  In his lecture he puts forth a theory of zombie brain function.  He suggests that while in humans, the amygdala is well-modulated and frontal lobe function is strong, in zombies, our frontal lobe function is decreased while the amydala is stronger.  This results in stronger “base” desires, such as rage, hunger, fear…and lust.  (Yes, now I have a scientific theory as to why it is typical for zombie libidos to be much stronger than their previous human ones….)

Yes, fellow readers, he mentioned lust.  I was wriggling in my seat with joy.  Unfortunately, he did not elaborate on lust as he did on hunger and other desires.  But I will take my victories where I can: five years ago no self-respecting professor would mention zombie lust in a serious lecture.  Today, it was taken easily in stride by the packed lecture hall.

Anyway, if you are interested in the lecture, you can watch the video (video podcast?), or you can wait for his comprehensive paper to come out – soon to be published in Progress in Neurobiology.

After his lecture followed the screening of the classic horror film, Night of the Living Dead.  I watched it, but I had to cover my eyes when the zombies were lit on fire, and also in the last scene when the poor defenseless zombies were picked off one-by-one by callous human posse.  For all that it is a very human-centric film, I liked how the humans were shown to be the unfeeling, fractious, and controlling beings that they are often in real life.  Humans make much of their frontal lobe domination, but honestly, we zombies manage quite well without it and I think things are much better that way.



Porn Reviews: “Porn of the Dead” and “Night of the Groping Dead”
April 4, 2009, 8:56 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews

Last night, a friend and I watched about 50 minutes of zombie porn, so you don’t need to.  Or rather, so we can tell you whether you actually want to.  We reviewed Porn of the Dead and Night of the Living Dead on the VOD service offered by sextoy.com.

Porn of the Dead is a porn in 5 or 6 different parts, separated by simple fades.  It began very promisingly, with a wonderfully creepy atmosphere of horror.  In fact, in each segment, the set and atmosphere was extremely well-done.  You almost feel as if you’ve stepped into some sort of horror movie.  The porn also makes good use of slow-motion and stop-motion, as well as odd camera angles, in order to add a sense of the surreal. This porn was clearly directed by someone with experience with cinematography and a strong idea of what would be artistically interesting.  I particularly enjoyed the conceit in the zombie gangbang, which began with a porn shoot the middle of a misty dark wood under the light of the full moon.

The zombies are well-done and clearly some thought went into portraying the true diversity of zombies everywhere – there are zombies with open sores, as well as both grey-colored zombies and green-colored zombies.  What a nice change from the typical portrayal of only one kind of zombie!  The blood and gore are also extremely realistic.  They clearly put a lot of thought into the realism of the set, and I found it very impressive.

Unfortunately, it quickly becomes clear that this is a porn for human fetishists of zombies, rather than a porn for us.  I suspect that for many of these “zombies”, human actors and actresses were used!  In the first ten minutes I noticed zombie makeup coming off, quite obviously.   “Zombieface,” my companion remarked grumpily.  Indeed, I also found this incredibly offensive and not at all sexy.  While vitaphiliacs might rejoice at the idea of zombie fetishists, most of us prefer to be treated as sentient thinking beings instead of depicted as objects of human fascination.  After that, it became very clear exactly how human-centric this film was.  There is quite a lot of hardcore PiV action and the focus remains on the penetrative sex, rather than much zombie action.  There was some, including a glorious heart-eating scene – but those seemed to be there to add “flavor” rather than as the main focus of the sex.  One exception to this is the last segment, which featured a very erotic climax with human intestines.  Make sure not to miss that part, when you’re skipping through the seemingly-interminable minutes of human-on-fake-zombie-fucking.

Night of the Groping Dead is the polar opposite in a lot of ways.  It was rather invigorating, watching the two back-to-back.  While Porn of the Dead seemed to be shot from a very human-centric view, Night of the Groping Dead is definitely a zombie porn: by zombies, for zombies.  We begin with a great horde scene which made me a bit nostalgic for my old gang days, roaming about, attacking screaming humans.  Now, these are true zombies – lurching, groaning, with that wild-eyed gaze.  There’s even a compelling plot, involving an exploration of some common conflicts in zombie identity: world domination vs. suburban bliss, an army of zombie fucking vs. one true love.

There are plenty of zombie blood shots here for anyone, and the virgin zombie scene is heart-meltingly sweet.  My companion was also particularly impressed by the pussy-eating – and it’s true that for some reason that is not as often shown as dick-eating.  I found the intro scene (which gets repeated at several points for plot reasons) extremely arousing, and the virgin zombie scene is also really good.  My only disappointment here is that the set is so low-budget (it looked like someone’s apartment) – I really wanted to take the set of Porn of the Dead and slide it into the Night of the Groping Dead.  Definitely this is a movie to watch if you like some thoughtful plot and characterization in your porn, not just hardcore zombie action.

In summary?  I would watch Porn of the Dead for a few good scenes and its great set and cinematography, but I think Night of the Groping Dead is a far better zombie porn for all it’s low-budget heritage.  It was 47 minutes long, and compelled us to watch almost 30 minutes of it – a far better record than Porn of the Dead, which was 1 hr 40 minutes long, of which we watched about 20 minutes.  I will always have a fondness for the Re-Penetrator, but I am definitely excited at the explosion of new films in this genre!

Again, if you find any new zombie porn I haven’t yet discovered here, please let me know!



Zombie Stripping
March 23, 2009, 10:21 pm
Filed under: activism

In my little corner of the blogosphere, sexual exploitation of newly-made zombies is big news. These new zombies often find themselves dazed and confused, suddenly friendless in a strange new world with strange new rules. Furthermore, they are often just starting to get used to their new bodies, and lack the dexterity to defend themselves should the need arise. While most of us had fairly good experiences, there are a few zombies who get whisked away into the underworld, never to return.

Now, I’m an openly sex-positive zombie, and I speak up in favor of all sorts of “deviant” desires and such.  My general feeling is that as long as everyone’s having fun and no one permanently loses an eye, it’s your business, not mine. But there’s a new practice that I’ve heard about which simply turns my stomach. It’s called Zombie Stripping. The idea is that one of these poor zombies is herded onto a stage, and forced to remove skin, organs, appendages, and bones, until the zombie is completely scattered. Apparently this is a serious turn-on for some zombies.

I’m not sure whether zombies understand the seriousness of the situation.  I’m sure many of the people who pay to enter these illegal clubs don’t really bother to think about it.  Let me explain it to you: these zombies remove all their organs and appendages and tossing them to the audience, until they are completely helpless.  Imagine this: your eyes have rolled to one corner, but your hands are wandering around somewhere else, somewhere you can’t see.  Your feet are also in some unknown location, and you have no idea where the rest of your organs are.  Someone’s fondling your penis somewhere and you have no idea who, or if your penis is even in the same room as the rest of you.  And this will go on until some kind soul re-combines you, and even so, you are almost certainly not going to ever recover all your organs or appendages.

Now imagine that all this is happening to you, every night, because you don’t know what else to do, and because you can’t figure out how to leave the situation.  The owner of the club threatens to step on your eye if you even think about leaving.

I’m told that not all Zombie Strippers are exploited workers.  I’m told that some of them chose to do this, because they have a fetish for feeling helpless and exposed.  But I think reputable establishments for Zombie Stripping are probably extremely rare, if they exist at all.  The fact is, Stripped Zombies are in such an extreme state of helplessness that it seems almost impossible to imagine that they wouldn’t be taken advantage of.  I can imagine many ways in which zombie stripping can be done both lucratively and ethically – for instance, having a designated chaperone, or  allowing them to toss their body parts all in the same area instead of into the careless audience’s hands, such that they can manage to recombine themselves later.  Or even going only part-way, stripping out certain appendages or organs but remaining upright and in control.  None of these obvious solutions have been implemented in any of these clubs.  It’s always a mob scene, and it always goes until the poor zombie is a scattered heap.

Before you rush off to send me an angry email, let me clarify a couple of points.  First, I don’t have any problem at all with people who play with stripping in a safe setting, with trusted friends and partners.  That is not at all what I am talking about.  And secondly, my problem is not really with the fact that zombie stripping exists as a business – my problem is that this is a business conducted with dubious ethics with what seems like no intention of reform.  If you have visited one of these clubs, or still do, please spend just a few minutes thinking of what the experience must be like for these zombies.  Ask yourself the hard questions – do they look scared?  Abused?  Do you think the environment is one that is safe for them?  If you don’t like the answers, I think you should think twice before attending a zombie strip again.



Porn Reviews: Finally, porn I can relate to
March 17, 2009, 12:15 am
Filed under: activism, reviews

I was recently offered the opportunity to review the Re-Penetrator.  Long-time readers will note that this classic zombie porn has been on my blogroll for ages, but I never found a place to rent it from.  Well, now your wait is over: I have discovered videos on demand (“VOD“)from sextoy.com offers not only the Re-Penetrator, but also many other potentially exciting zombie pornography that I have never heard of before!  Zombie sex is truly becoming more and more acceptable.  It’s a very exciting time for this old activist.

If you search for “zombie” on the site, it comes up with over 10 selections.  Some of them are horror porn but not zombie porn, but I have done the hard work and came up with 4 other movies that have potential true zombie sex in them, based on the sample screenshots offered:

I was able to watch the Re-Penetrator in its entirety, since it is only 20 minutes long.  The other movies seem to be full-length, over an hour or so.  Look for reviews of other zombie porn to come in future blog posts.

The Re-Penetrator, although short, packs a lot of action and excitement in.  I cannot recommend this film more highly – it was everything I had imagined a real zombie porn would be, and more.  Remember, I came of age during a time when zombie sex was something no one ever mentioned.  I imagined that this zombie porn would gently brush aside the resolute social conventions, but no.  Instead, the Re-Penetrator smashes the wall of silence down with exuberance and a shameless sense of self-gratification.  Bravo, Burning Angel.  Bravo.

The plot is simple, but also deep.  A mad scientist (a human) brings to life our zombie heroine with his serum of undeath, specially formulated to instill in her a deep need for sex.  I find this very interesting: by placing a human in the role of opening the gateway to zombie sex, the movie symbolically locates the desire for zombie sex as a natural urge, just as natural as how we zombies are created – ie, from humans.

From then on, the movie gets right on with the hot, steamy action.  There is  plenty of blood to liven up the sex, something which I was pleasantly surprised to see.  Though bloody sex is a bit of a luxury for us zombies who must hunt out our own blood, it definitely helped make the sex even more exciting for me.  Joanna Angel is supurb as our zombie heroine, and Tommy Pistol makes for quite a dashingly tasty human.  The sex itself is largely human-centric, though that makes quite a lot of sense given that this is a groundbreaking film and I suspect Tommy Pistol is actually human, which does limits the options a bit.  Vitophiliacs, you’ll definitely enjoy this one, I think.

The best part, though, comes in the last few minutes of this film.  I won’t spoil it for you, but let me just say that the climax of the film is not (as it is in human porn) when the male ejaculates.  It’s something much better.  Watch it, you really won’t be disappointed!

One last note: the soundtrack to this porn is very original and largely punk and heavy metal, including the song “Fucking Zombies” by The Secretions.  I certainly appreciated that over the largely un-listenable music humans tend to play as background to their sex.

Anyway, you can browse their selection of DVDs and VOD here. Search for “zombie” or “undead”, and if you find movies I have missed, drop me a line!