Sex Tips For Zombies

Dear STFZ: Threesomes?
May 23, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice

Dear STFZ,

I’ve had this fantasy for a while. My zombie partner and I, we’d go find a tasty looking human to eat. But instead of eating him, we would bring him home, take him to bed, and eat him slowly while fucking each other. Have you heard of this fetish before? So far I haven’t been able to find any zombie who wants to do this. Some are turned off by the sex-with-living aspects, others are turned off by the sex-with-food aspect of the fantasy. 😦 How do I find someone who is willing to indulge in this kink with me? Am I doomed to only roleplay this scene out in my mind?

Desperate for a Nibble

Dear Desperate,

Do not fear: I can personally attest that there are more of you out there.  In fact, I have received more than a few emails just like yours.  The problem is, however, that you may not have anything in common with your fellow fetishists other than this particular desire.  While shared sexual compatibility is important, a relationship is built on far more than simply shared sexual interests.  So I would caution you from getting caught up in this one particular kink when searching for a partner.

I wasn’t entirely sure, however, if you were looking for a relationship partner or merely just some fun.  If it is the latter, I would suggest using the internet to search for fellow fetishists.  If you are too decomposed to comfortably use the internet (then how are you reading this blog?), I recommend asking the help of a fellow zombie, or capturing a human who is willing to help you in return for his/her life.  The web is a good place to start because it is a useful way to bring people from all different areas of the country together.  On a singles site you can “meet” many more people and more quickly than you can at a bar or coffee shop.  Establish your interest in this particular kinky fun right off, and you will screen out everyone who is going to be turned off by it.  I am sure there will be some zombies who would be all for indulging your kink, in which case all you have to do is to meet up and find a hapless victim.  [Also note that the first time you meet someone from the internet you should do so in a public place.  Do not assume that just because you get along with someone online that you will get along with them face-to-face.]

If you are looking for a relationship / partnership which includes this kink, your chances are much smaller.  Be willing to compromise: perhaps the love of your life will not be willing to share a whole human during sex, but will be willing to eat a human right before or right after.  Or perhaps he/she will be willing to indulge you so much as feeding you an eye or a finger while you masturbate.  Stay flexible, and you will be much more likely to satisfy your needs reasonably well.

Good luck, Desperate!


May 4, 2009, 11:27 pm
Filed under: activism, Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I’m at my wit’s end.  My husband of 4 months no longer finds me sexy.  He never wants sex anymore.  I’ve tried everything I can think of.  I’ve tried switching around our genitals, I’ve tried cross-dressing, I’ve tried borrowing bigger breasts, I’ve tried going with no breasts, I’ve tried interesting him with threesomes and foursomes with my friends…nothing!

I’ve asked him what’s wrong, and he just says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.  He’d much rather be watching zombie porn (No thanks to you, STFZ, so I think you owe me) than having sex with his own wife.  I have to admit I am a bit on the rottier side, but what’s a zombie to do?  I think it’s pretty short-sighted of him.  Just because I’m older!

Frustrated and Ashamed

Dear Frustrated and Ashamed,

I write about acceptance of all body types and different stages of rotting, but the sad reality is, not everyone is as smart, kind, or understanding as we would hope they are.  Some day, I hope the norm would be this sort of body acceptance and positivity, but until then – unfortunately, there will always be zombies who will be unkind and unsympathetic.  Your husband is one of these people.  He should have tried to work with you, instead of just dropping you like a gnawed on bone.

It sounds like you still are happy with him and want to make this work.  Certainly you have come up with quite some good, imaginative solutions already!  So I shan’t belabor the point.  If you are not willing to dump him and find a better zombie, sit him down and have a frank discussion about what it would take to get him interested in sex with you again.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. If it is the liquidity of your skin and insides that bother him, consider investing in a lovely latex catsuit or dress.  A properly made latex outfit should hold your innards in with a soft firmness, in whatever shape you choose.   Properly cared for, will transmit sensation nicely.  Some latex outfits have cleverly designed zippers and flaps which allow access to some very nice areas.  This is generally a hefty investment, but it can definitely be worth it.  Even zombies without your particular issue sometimes like wearing latex for the sensation and also for the shape it lends their bodies.
  2. If the smell bothers him, I strongly suggest that he simply remove his nose.  This is a very simple thing that he can do, and it will save both of you a lot of heartache.  If he refuses to even do that…well, that sort of says something about how much he cares about solving this problem.
  3. If you have access to a fridge, storing yourself there for at least an hour before sex can lesson the liquefaction and also reduce odors.  If you want to hurry it up, you can use the freezer, but you should be careful to avoid staying in there too long.  Make sure that someone knows you are there and can rescue you if you become too frozen.  (If you do end up freezing yourself by accident, it is very important to defrost slowly.  Otherwise you risk different parts of you expanding or contracting at different rates, thus causing injury.  Not that I would know anything about that.)

I hope that helps, Frustrated and Ashamed!  You are certainly not the first zombie to encounter this sort of discrimination, and you will not be the last for (unfortunately) quite a while, it seems.  Partial zombies, especially those who are down to just an arm or a head or an eyeball, seem to have the toughest time dating.  One zombie I know, who was only a hand at this point, has told me how difficult it is to attract anyone’s attention, especially when it takes 5 minutes for my friend to say hello.  (On a tangent, it is quite frustrating that we still have to use human languages to communicate.  Can someone invent zomblish already?  A hand has no gender, and is therefore neither a him nor a her, and is certainly not an it, being a sentient and zombie being.  Perhaps I should leave this rant to another post.)

Furry Zombies?
April 3, 2009, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I was a furry in real life before I became a zombie, and to my surprise I found that I am still a furry.  I fell in with a group of zombies who became furries after their transformation.  I would never have imagined what they have done!  My friend Bob goes around with cat paws instead of hands and has managed some clever way to attach a cat tail to his bum.  Janice sometimes goes around with a dog head instead of her own head.  However, all their substitutions have to be temporary, since we haven’t yet been able to successfully switch our body parts with those of our favored animals.  We’ve tried turning pets into zombies first, and then exchanging hands and heads, but it never takes.  The heads and paws just keep being their animal parts while our bodies remain under our control.  When we use dead animal heads and paws, well, it works fine for a while but then it gets old, not being able to use our hands.  There has to be a solution to this problem!  Please help us, STFZ!

Fantasizing Furry

Dear FF,

You may be surprised to find that you are not the only zombie to have encountered this problem.  Check out the researches of Dr. Paterson Roberts, who pioneered cross-species exchanges.  We all know that it is trivial to exchange body parts and such with other human zombies, but cross-species exchanges are much more difficult.  Dr. Roberts began her work with chimpanzees, but has since made a broad study of many animals, including giraffes, hummingbirds, sea lions, and bears.  Unfortunately, I do not think she ever did any work with cats or dogs – perhaps those species seemed too mundane to her.

Her conclusions are still inconclusive, but she had middling success with transplants between humans and monkeys, as well as between gorillas and chimpanzees.  She achieved the most success by soaking the ends in a mixture of the blood from both species before attempting attachment.  Unfortunately, her work is still on-going, and you can see that it is a very new field of research, with very few practical results as of yet.  It seems that your fantasy will have to remain a fantasy, at least for now.


Fisting 101 for Zombies
March 3, 2009, 12:05 am
Filed under: Dear STFZ, safer sex

Dear Sex Tips for Zombies,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now and things are great.  Yesterday she asked me to fist her, but I’ve never fisted anyone before in my life and I don’t know how to do it.  I don’t want to tell her I can’t do it, because I want to make her happy, but I’m afraid of doing it wrong.  Help me, STFZ!

First-time Fister

Dear FTF,

The first thing you should absolutely do is tell her you’ve never done it before, BUT you are more than happy to try new things with her.  Any zombie will be ecstatic to learn that you are willing to explore new sexual territory with them!  You don’t mention that she’s an experienced fister or fistee, so it could be that she’s never done it before either!  In any case, here are some basic safety precautions you should take.

First of all, you need to make sure that your hands and her vagina are at room temperature (around 70 degrees Fahrenheit).  You can achieve more intense sensations by experimenting with cooling down or heating up body parts, but I recommend you leave that for when you have some experience with how it should feel already.  Room temperature is best because at that temperature, your skin and muscles will be more flexible.  Hotter temperatures can increase flexibility, but if you go too far you will start inducing rot and limpness, neither of which are usually good.  So start with room temperature.

Next, make sure you have the correct size hand for this.  It’s usually good to start small, so use the smallest hand you have to begin with (or borrow one for sizing purposes).  The correct hand size will depend on the stretchiness of her vagina and how relaxed she can get.  Different zombies prefer different widths, so many fisting aficionados tend to keep a variety of hands around to play with.

Once you have a properly-sized hand, have her lie on her back with her knees bent.  Make sure she is comfortable.  Using plenty of lubrication, start working your fingers into her slowly.  Focus on getting her aroused and relaxed.  My previous hint on soaking genitals in blood prior to sexual activity may be especially useful here.  Going very slowly, start working more fingers into her.  Sometimes people find it useful to detach their hand at this stage so they can get a better angle.

After some time of this, you will find yourself with your fingers fully in her.  The hardest part is getting past the thumb joint.  If you picked a hand that was too large, you may have to stop at this point.  If the hand is sized correctly, however, with enough patience and stimulation and lube, you should be able to eventually slide your entire hand in.  Make sure to move very slowly, especially when your hand in inside.  You don’t want to accidentally damage anything.  You can form your hand into a fist if you want to, and see if she likes that.

Most importantly, listen to your partner’s responses.  Fisting requires a lot of care and communication and patience.  It is not something to take lightly.

When you are both done, it is time to withdraw your hand.  Be very careful at this stage – I know of many zombies who have withdrawn too fast, only to leave a fingertip or two behind.  Withdraw slowly and with as much care as you took in entering.  If more lubrication is needed, add it.

Good luck, FTF!  Play safe, and I’m sure you will have a great time!

Bondage Safety Tips
October 13, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, safer sex

Dear Sex Tips for Zombies,

After reading that article on Cosmo recently about spicing up our sex life with a little bondage in bed, my girlfriend and I decided to try it out.  She tied me up, and we start making out.  We’re grinding along, hearing that lovely wet sound that our hearts make when they rub against each other, when all of a suddent she sits up in shock.  In our enthusiasm, we pulled my arm off!  I managed to put it back with a little sewing but please tell us how we can enjoy bondage without risking dismemberment?

Thankfully yours,

Totally Armless Fun.

TAF, I have two words for you: Saran Wrap.  With a little plastic bondage, we can make sure your body parts stay intact and connected, while still giving you all the fun of bondage.  Let the plastic wrap help support the strain of your sexual escapades.  Just wrap your limbs up, paying special attention to your joints and other easily detachable areas.  Since the hip area can also be a problem, you can make sure to wrap all around your groin, and then cut out the appropriate holes in the saran wrap to allow all the genital contact you desire.  Saran wrap is also particularly useful for keeping innards in place during strenuous activity (assuming part of the fun isn’t those innards getting out, of course).  Hope that helps!

Dear STFZ…
October 21, 2007, 7:39 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice | Tags:

Yesterday I was hanging about with a few friends of mine and, as usual for conversations involving me, the topic turned to sex. A human too curious and slow for his own good had stumbled into our living room and now we were all a bit giggly and flush. Right in the middle of a conversation about our worst dating experiences, Blaarggh suddenly blurted out, “But — have you ever had it, break off? during sex?”

We were all kind of suddenly silent, eying each other, kind of reluctant to admit it. But Blaarggh had broken the dam and soon all the stories came pouring out. I won’t tell you their stories, but here’s mine: It was my first casual hookup – I’d found him lurching about in the bar and he looked mighty fine – two eyes, just a little bit of his intestines peaking out his side, and his lurch was as provocative as they come. Well, anyway, I took him back to my place, and we hit it off. I’d gotten his tattered belt and pants off and he’d undone my bra, admiring my rib cage and stroking the outsides of my lung, reaaalllly gently, just the way I like it. Ahhh. I was getting more and more excited. He still had an intact penis, hard of course, and he was stroking it gently with one hand. I licked his eyeballs and he shuddered lightly.

I felt like a little fucking and I lay back, gesturing for him to crawl on top of me. He started pumping away, gazing deeply into my eyes. But almost immediately it was clear that something had gone wrong. I looked down and he had become detached from his penis! He was really embarrassed, and so was I, actually. I mean, it felt good in me, but I didn’t want to have a penis in there forever! Well, anyway, we managed to pry it out but that was the end of that, of course. He left with his penis it his pocket.

I saw him once again, recently, just across the street. He saw me too, but we just kind of…kept walking.

Anyway, that conversation reminded me of the incident. Well, here are a few helpful tips that I hope will mean that you don’t have to suffer through the same embarrassment. This sort of thing happens all the time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

1. If you think you’re going to be fucking, before you leave home, take your penis and roll it around a little, just to make sure it is firmly attached.

2. Keep a little tube of crazy glue or some other adhesive on you at all times, just in case.

3. If your penis comes off during sex, don’t be too embarrassed. Your partner has probably has seen it before. She/he/it will take the cue from you – if you’re mortified, then it will ruin everything. But if you just treat it casually, you can still rescue the situation. Just apply your glue and press back up against it, waiting until it sticks on firmly. This is really a very sexy situation! You have your penis pressed up into someone, and both of you can’t move down there – a perfect setup for some teasing and making out if I ever saw one.

4. After you have reattached your penis, after you get back home, you need to think of a more secure mechanism. I’ve seen several different solutions. One idea is to rig up some sort of harness to keep it on yourself. Penises usually break off with a little ridge on the base, so you can wrap some wire or rope around that and tie it to your pelvis. Alternatively, you can just leave it detached – there are certainly many advantages to a detachable penis!

I hope that helped!