Sex Tips For Zombies


Review: Zombie Strippers
October 12, 2009, 12:32 am
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

zombie strippersAt its heart, Zombie Strippers is a deeply stirring tale about the emptiness of the human condition and the fulfillment of zombiedom. It is also an epic tragedy, where few if any of the characters come to an understanding of the true horrors of existence.

For a movie made by humans, for humans, it takes a surprisingly understanding view on zombie life. Historically humans have reviled and indiscriminately murdered our kind, so it is especially pleasant to see that we do have some allies among them. In the movie, the zombie strippers are depicted as being extremely desirable, as well as having their own motives and personalities (faint as those may be). Several of the human strippers voluntarily become zombies, something that we know happens fairly frequently in real life but due to human prejudice is rarely shown on film.

The writers of the movie have also clearly done some research before developing their film. I doubt that they actually bothered to meet with any real zombies, and they certainly didn’t (as usual) hire any zombies, but at least they seem to have searched out zombie-made porn, and taken some cues from that. Not great, but I have to say, better than what other human directors have bothered to do. The classic bloodshot comes early in this film, but is shot with enthusiasm and fervor. And again, zombie sexuality is paired with a heavy metal soundtrack. Is there something about heavy metal that seems appropriate for the undead? I guarantee that we have a wide variety of musical tastes here.

Where the film fails, it fails dramatically. Male zombies are shown as nothing more than mindless creatures, a throwback to the older more classic zombie films. In a movie that made such leaps forward in showing a fairer portraits of zombies, it is especially disheartening to see such a pointless, unrealistic, and discriminatory portrayal of male zombies. Many of my male friends found the movie offensive and hurtful as a result.

The film was only rated a 4.4 on IMDB, and I have to admit to feeling pretty conflicted about how to rate the film. On one hand, it is one of the most progressive portrayals of zombies I have seen to date. On the other, it introduces some deeply problematic themes that may continue to haunt us. In the end, I can only give it faint praise – which only serves to highlight the disappointing nature of human-zombie relations.



Zombie Medical Science Advances, or, So That’s Why My Libido is So Strong Now That I’m A Zombie
April 22, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

A few weeks ago, I had the great fortune to attend a talk by distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Steven Schlozman. This was hosted by the Coolidge Corner Theatre, which as it turns out is a great supporter of zombie rights. Now, as you know, much of how and why we are the way we are is still unexplained by human science, so I very much looked forward to hearing about the recent advances in understanding our bodies. His talk was fairly thorough, though it became clear very early on just how much still needs to be researched. A professor from Michigan wrote that by the classic laws of biology, our dead flesh should not be able to move, due to the lack of oxygen. Nevertheless, we do lurch, and shamble, and we do have control over our dead flesh (some more than others).

We already know some things, just through our common experience. We know that cold allows us to stave off decomposition and preserves our bodies. We know that we need freshly killed flesh to continue to unlive (preferably humans, as they are the tastiest and most nutritious). We know that we can suffer almost all injuries without much impediment. We know that it is hard to perform cross-species grafts, but it is easy to exchange organs and limbs with other zombies. We know all these things to be true, because we experience them,but we still don’t know why things are the way they are.  I would love to see more scientists start making strides in this rich field of study.

Dr. Schlozman has made a strong foray into zombie medical science.  In his lecture he puts forth a theory of zombie brain function.  He suggests that while in humans, the amygdala is well-modulated and frontal lobe function is strong, in zombies, our frontal lobe function is decreased while the amydala is stronger.  This results in stronger “base” desires, such as rage, hunger, fear…and lust.  (Yes, now I have a scientific theory as to why it is typical for zombie libidos to be much stronger than their previous human ones….)

Yes, fellow readers, he mentioned lust.  I was wriggling in my seat with joy.  Unfortunately, he did not elaborate on lust as he did on hunger and other desires.  But I will take my victories where I can: five years ago no self-respecting professor would mention zombie lust in a serious lecture.  Today, it was taken easily in stride by the packed lecture hall.

Anyway, if you are interested in the lecture, you can watch the video (video podcast?), or you can wait for his comprehensive paper to come out – soon to be published in Progress in Neurobiology.

After his lecture followed the screening of the classic horror film, Night of the Living Dead.  I watched it, but I had to cover my eyes when the zombies were lit on fire, and also in the last scene when the poor defenseless zombies were picked off one-by-one by callous human posse.  For all that it is a very human-centric film, I liked how the humans were shown to be the unfeeling, fractious, and controlling beings that they are often in real life.  Humans make much of their frontal lobe domination, but honestly, we zombies manage quite well without it and I think things are much better that way.



Zombie Sightings: Poetry for The Undead
April 15, 2009, 9:10 pm
Filed under: reviews, zombie sightings

Recently I bought my very own copy of Zombie Haiku, by Ryan Mecum. I have to say, folks, this is a really awesome book. It’s got a very high production value – glossy full-color pages (you can see the blood and eyeballs in great detail!) and cute little doodles of doorknobs (“They are so lucky/that I cannot remember/how to use doorknobs”), and brilliant haikus from a zombie perspective. This wonderful book beautifully maps out yet another segment of zombie life that mainstream media has somehow left behind, in order to focus on the attacking humans part. I realize that mainstream media is quite human-centric, but really. We zombies have rich unlives without humans as well! Anyway, this is not *just* a collection of lovely haikus, but it also tells a story.
Some of my favorite haikus:

Blood is really warm.
It’s like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.

I can see through you.
Literally through your mouth
and out to the street.

I keep saying “brains.”
I remember other words,
but I just need one.

What a sweet story.  I’m not sure if your local bookstore will carry this, but it really should!  And of course there is always Amazon.com, which is where I got my copy ($10, totally worth it for such a pretty book).



Porn Reviews: “Porn of the Dead” and “Night of the Groping Dead”
April 4, 2009, 8:56 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews

Last night, a friend and I watched about 50 minutes of zombie porn, so you don’t need to.  Or rather, so we can tell you whether you actually want to.  We reviewed Porn of the Dead and Night of the Living Dead on the VOD service offered by sextoy.com.

Porn of the Dead is a porn in 5 or 6 different parts, separated by simple fades.  It began very promisingly, with a wonderfully creepy atmosphere of horror.  In fact, in each segment, the set and atmosphere was extremely well-done.  You almost feel as if you’ve stepped into some sort of horror movie.  The porn also makes good use of slow-motion and stop-motion, as well as odd camera angles, in order to add a sense of the surreal. This porn was clearly directed by someone with experience with cinematography and a strong idea of what would be artistically interesting.  I particularly enjoyed the conceit in the zombie gangbang, which began with a porn shoot the middle of a misty dark wood under the light of the full moon.

The zombies are well-done and clearly some thought went into portraying the true diversity of zombies everywhere – there are zombies with open sores, as well as both grey-colored zombies and green-colored zombies.  What a nice change from the typical portrayal of only one kind of zombie!  The blood and gore are also extremely realistic.  They clearly put a lot of thought into the realism of the set, and I found it very impressive.

Unfortunately, it quickly becomes clear that this is a porn for human fetishists of zombies, rather than a porn for us.  I suspect that for many of these “zombies”, human actors and actresses were used!  In the first ten minutes I noticed zombie makeup coming off, quite obviously.   “Zombieface,” my companion remarked grumpily.  Indeed, I also found this incredibly offensive and not at all sexy.  While vitaphiliacs might rejoice at the idea of zombie fetishists, most of us prefer to be treated as sentient thinking beings instead of depicted as objects of human fascination.  After that, it became very clear exactly how human-centric this film was.  There is quite a lot of hardcore PiV action and the focus remains on the penetrative sex, rather than much zombie action.  There was some, including a glorious heart-eating scene – but those seemed to be there to add “flavor” rather than as the main focus of the sex.  One exception to this is the last segment, which featured a very erotic climax with human intestines.  Make sure not to miss that part, when you’re skipping through the seemingly-interminable minutes of human-on-fake-zombie-fucking.

Night of the Groping Dead is the polar opposite in a lot of ways.  It was rather invigorating, watching the two back-to-back.  While Porn of the Dead seemed to be shot from a very human-centric view, Night of the Groping Dead is definitely a zombie porn: by zombies, for zombies.  We begin with a great horde scene which made me a bit nostalgic for my old gang days, roaming about, attacking screaming humans.  Now, these are true zombies – lurching, groaning, with that wild-eyed gaze.  There’s even a compelling plot, involving an exploration of some common conflicts in zombie identity: world domination vs. suburban bliss, an army of zombie fucking vs. one true love.

There are plenty of zombie blood shots here for anyone, and the virgin zombie scene is heart-meltingly sweet.  My companion was also particularly impressed by the pussy-eating – and it’s true that for some reason that is not as often shown as dick-eating.  I found the intro scene (which gets repeated at several points for plot reasons) extremely arousing, and the virgin zombie scene is also really good.  My only disappointment here is that the set is so low-budget (it looked like someone’s apartment) – I really wanted to take the set of Porn of the Dead and slide it into the Night of the Groping Dead.  Definitely this is a movie to watch if you like some thoughtful plot and characterization in your porn, not just hardcore zombie action.

In summary?  I would watch Porn of the Dead for a few good scenes and its great set and cinematography, but I think Night of the Groping Dead is a far better zombie porn for all it’s low-budget heritage.  It was 47 minutes long, and compelled us to watch almost 30 minutes of it – a far better record than Porn of the Dead, which was 1 hr 40 minutes long, of which we watched about 20 minutes.  I will always have a fondness for the Re-Penetrator, but I am definitely excited at the explosion of new films in this genre!

Again, if you find any new zombie porn I haven’t yet discovered here, please let me know!



Porn Reviews: Finally, porn I can relate to
March 17, 2009, 12:15 am
Filed under: activism, reviews

I was recently offered the opportunity to review the Re-Penetrator.  Long-time readers will note that this classic zombie porn has been on my blogroll for ages, but I never found a place to rent it from.  Well, now your wait is over: I have discovered videos on demand (“VOD“)from sextoy.com offers not only the Re-Penetrator, but also many other potentially exciting zombie pornography that I have never heard of before!  Zombie sex is truly becoming more and more acceptable.  It’s a very exciting time for this old activist.

If you search for “zombie” on the site, it comes up with over 10 selections.  Some of them are horror porn but not zombie porn, but I have done the hard work and came up with 4 other movies that have potential true zombie sex in them, based on the sample screenshots offered:

I was able to watch the Re-Penetrator in its entirety, since it is only 20 minutes long.  The other movies seem to be full-length, over an hour or so.  Look for reviews of other zombie porn to come in future blog posts.

The Re-Penetrator, although short, packs a lot of action and excitement in.  I cannot recommend this film more highly – it was everything I had imagined a real zombie porn would be, and more.  Remember, I came of age during a time when zombie sex was something no one ever mentioned.  I imagined that this zombie porn would gently brush aside the resolute social conventions, but no.  Instead, the Re-Penetrator smashes the wall of silence down with exuberance and a shameless sense of self-gratification.  Bravo, Burning Angel.  Bravo.

The plot is simple, but also deep.  A mad scientist (a human) brings to life our zombie heroine with his serum of undeath, specially formulated to instill in her a deep need for sex.  I find this very interesting: by placing a human in the role of opening the gateway to zombie sex, the movie symbolically locates the desire for zombie sex as a natural urge, just as natural as how we zombies are created – ie, from humans.

From then on, the movie gets right on with the hot, steamy action.  There is  plenty of blood to liven up the sex, something which I was pleasantly surprised to see.  Though bloody sex is a bit of a luxury for us zombies who must hunt out our own blood, it definitely helped make the sex even more exciting for me.  Joanna Angel is supurb as our zombie heroine, and Tommy Pistol makes for quite a dashingly tasty human.  The sex itself is largely human-centric, though that makes quite a lot of sense given that this is a groundbreaking film and I suspect Tommy Pistol is actually human, which does limits the options a bit.  Vitophiliacs, you’ll definitely enjoy this one, I think.

The best part, though, comes in the last few minutes of this film.  I won’t spoil it for you, but let me just say that the climax of the film is not (as it is in human porn) when the male ejaculates.  It’s something much better.  Watch it, you really won’t be disappointed!

One last note: the soundtrack to this porn is very original and largely punk and heavy metal, including the song “Fucking Zombies” by The Secretions.  I certainly appreciated that over the largely un-listenable music humans tend to play as background to their sex.

Anyway, you can browse their selection of DVDs and VOD here. Search for “zombie” or “undead”, and if you find movies I have missed, drop me a line!



Sex Toys for Zombies: Hitachi Magic Wand
February 23, 2009, 8:37 pm
Filed under: reviews | Tags:

New feature! Sex Toys for Zombies will look at traditional sex toys and how well they work for the zombie physique.  Look for future reviews in upcoming months.  All reviews will be tagged “sex toys for zombies” for your searching convenience.

So you want to spice up your sex life, or you have heard so much about the Hitachi that you want to try it for yourself.  Will it give you multiple magical orgasms?  Or will it just be too intense?

It’s a very intimidating looking toy, to be sure – all beige and white and blue, like a dentist’s office, back when we used to worry about our teeth falling out.  (Now we can just pop them right back in.)  Perhaps you used to use it as a human, but how does it work for zombies?  That’s what sex toys for zombies is here for!  When I popped the thing out of its holder, it was much bigger and more intimidating than I expected.  I turned it on to the “low” setting, and and immediately had to switch to my right hand because my left hand has been a bit loose ever since I got it caught in a door.  This thing is seriously intense.

My genitals happened to be in pretty good shape, so I decided to give it a shot.  I’d been keeping them cold every night (something I recommend if you plan to be having a lot of sex – this keeps them firm and helps reduce decomposition).  Even the low setting made me quite squirmy, but I couldn’t get off.  The high setting felt like it was going to rub my clitoris clean off my pubic bone!  Clearly, I was using this wrong.

I went to my favorite sex tips adviser for help, my friend Jane.  “You can’t expect to just whip out something this intense and have it work right away,” she admonished me.  “You have to work up to it!”  So I lay down and she started rubbing the vibrating ball gently around my genital area, never quite touching my clitoris.  That, I have to say, worked like a charm.  Before long she had switched to the High setting and I was having the most intense orgasm of my life.

After I had recovered some, I offered to reciprocate, but she demurred.  “I left my clitoris with my boyfriend yesterday,” she said.  “We’re planning to have some phone sex later today.”

So, the toy takes some getting used to, to be sure, but it is quite lovely once you figure out how to use it.  I particularly liked the fact that it has quite a low-voiced vibration, making it even easier to relax into if you don’t start off with it directly on your clit like I did.

Oh, for all of you who have read thus far, I offer this bonus sex tip: you can sometimes short circuit the slow arousal time by soaking your genital area in a little fresh blood before you play.  The spongy tissue will absorb the blood, making you even more aroused by the time you start with the play.  Just a warning though – electricity and liquids don’t play well together, so make sure you take your genitals out of the blood bath before you put a vibrator in.