Sex Tips For Zombies

Fisting 101 for Zombies
March 3, 2009, 12:05 am
Filed under: Dear STFZ, safer sex

Dear Sex Tips for Zombies,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now and things are great.  Yesterday she asked me to fist her, but I’ve never fisted anyone before in my life and I don’t know how to do it.  I don’t want to tell her I can’t do it, because I want to make her happy, but I’m afraid of doing it wrong.  Help me, STFZ!

First-time Fister

Dear FTF,

The first thing you should absolutely do is tell her you’ve never done it before, BUT you are more than happy to try new things with her.  Any zombie will be ecstatic to learn that you are willing to explore new sexual territory with them!  You don’t mention that she’s an experienced fister or fistee, so it could be that she’s never done it before either!  In any case, here are some basic safety precautions you should take.

First of all, you need to make sure that your hands and her vagina are at room temperature (around 70 degrees Fahrenheit).  You can achieve more intense sensations by experimenting with cooling down or heating up body parts, but I recommend you leave that for when you have some experience with how it should feel already.  Room temperature is best because at that temperature, your skin and muscles will be more flexible.  Hotter temperatures can increase flexibility, but if you go too far you will start inducing rot and limpness, neither of which are usually good.  So start with room temperature.

Next, make sure you have the correct size hand for this.  It’s usually good to start small, so use the smallest hand you have to begin with (or borrow one for sizing purposes).  The correct hand size will depend on the stretchiness of her vagina and how relaxed she can get.  Different zombies prefer different widths, so many fisting aficionados tend to keep a variety of hands around to play with.

Once you have a properly-sized hand, have her lie on her back with her knees bent.  Make sure she is comfortable.  Using plenty of lubrication, start working your fingers into her slowly.  Focus on getting her aroused and relaxed.  My previous hint on soaking genitals in blood prior to sexual activity may be especially useful here.  Going very slowly, start working more fingers into her.  Sometimes people find it useful to detach their hand at this stage so they can get a better angle.

After some time of this, you will find yourself with your fingers fully in her.  The hardest part is getting past the thumb joint.  If you picked a hand that was too large, you may have to stop at this point.  If the hand is sized correctly, however, with enough patience and stimulation and lube, you should be able to eventually slide your entire hand in.  Make sure to move very slowly, especially when your hand in inside.  You don’t want to accidentally damage anything.  You can form your hand into a fist if you want to, and see if she likes that.

Most importantly, listen to your partner’s responses.  Fisting requires a lot of care and communication and patience.  It is not something to take lightly.

When you are both done, it is time to withdraw your hand.  Be very careful at this stage – I know of many zombies who have withdrawn too fast, only to leave a fingertip or two behind.  Withdraw slowly and with as much care as you took in entering.  If more lubrication is needed, add it.

Good luck, FTF!  Play safe, and I’m sure you will have a great time!


February 8, 2009, 1:08 pm
Filed under: safer sex

I’ve done it, you’ve done it…even your parents did it – but do you know how to do it safely?

I brought in certified sex educator Sel Murno to help answer my questions.  “Skullfucking is one of the safer zombie sex acts,” he said, “but because it’s seen as not quite ‘real’ sex, zombies tend to engage in it with little preparation and no thought at all to safety.”  It turns out that eye sockets and brain cavities are actually quite a nice breeding ground for disease due to the largely-enclosed, damp nature of those spaces.  Too much skullfucking without careful cleaning of all the organs involved or use of protection can quickly lead to eye infections and brainrot – hassles that you could probably do without.

Not to mention this poor zombie who wrote in last week: her date was going really well, and they had begun to get carried away when her date stepped on her eye.  It turned out she had taken it out and set it on the nightstand, but witth their excitement they’d knocked into it and it rolled onto the floor.  She was pretty upset by the whole experience, of course, and the date ended rather quickly after that.

We all know that finding a new eye, particularly one that matches, is quite a challenge.  So be careful out there, fellow zombies.  Remember that eyeballs are round and can roll. Use a condom or just wash out your head carefully after any skullfucking and you’ll be able to avoid many hassles and unpleasant surprises.

Bondage Safety Tips
October 13, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, safer sex

Dear Sex Tips for Zombies,

After reading that article on Cosmo recently about spicing up our sex life with a little bondage in bed, my girlfriend and I decided to try it out.  She tied me up, and we start making out.  We’re grinding along, hearing that lovely wet sound that our hearts make when they rub against each other, when all of a suddent she sits up in shock.  In our enthusiasm, we pulled my arm off!  I managed to put it back with a little sewing but please tell us how we can enjoy bondage without risking dismemberment?

Thankfully yours,

Totally Armless Fun.

TAF, I have two words for you: Saran Wrap.  With a little plastic bondage, we can make sure your body parts stay intact and connected, while still giving you all the fun of bondage.  Let the plastic wrap help support the strain of your sexual escapades.  Just wrap your limbs up, paying special attention to your joints and other easily detachable areas.  Since the hip area can also be a problem, you can make sure to wrap all around your groin, and then cut out the appropriate holes in the saran wrap to allow all the genital contact you desire.  Saran wrap is also particularly useful for keeping innards in place during strenuous activity (assuming part of the fun isn’t those innards getting out, of course).  Hope that helps!