Sex Tips For Zombies

Dear STFZ: Threesomes?
May 23, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice

Dear STFZ,

I’ve had this fantasy for a while. My zombie partner and I, we’d go find a tasty looking human to eat. But instead of eating him, we would bring him home, take him to bed, and eat him slowly while fucking each other. Have you heard of this fetish before? So far I haven’t been able to find any zombie who wants to do this. Some are turned off by the sex-with-living aspects, others are turned off by the sex-with-food aspect of the fantasy. 😦 How do I find someone who is willing to indulge in this kink with me? Am I doomed to only roleplay this scene out in my mind?

Desperate for a Nibble

Dear Desperate,

Do not fear: I can personally attest that there are more of you out there.  In fact, I have received more than a few emails just like yours.  The problem is, however, that you may not have anything in common with your fellow fetishists other than this particular desire.  While shared sexual compatibility is important, a relationship is built on far more than simply shared sexual interests.  So I would caution you from getting caught up in this one particular kink when searching for a partner.

I wasn’t entirely sure, however, if you were looking for a relationship partner or merely just some fun.  If it is the latter, I would suggest using the internet to search for fellow fetishists.  If you are too decomposed to comfortably use the internet (then how are you reading this blog?), I recommend asking the help of a fellow zombie, or capturing a human who is willing to help you in return for his/her life.  The web is a good place to start because it is a useful way to bring people from all different areas of the country together.  On a singles site you can “meet” many more people and more quickly than you can at a bar or coffee shop.  Establish your interest in this particular kinky fun right off, and you will screen out everyone who is going to be turned off by it.  I am sure there will be some zombies who would be all for indulging your kink, in which case all you have to do is to meet up and find a hapless victim.  [Also note that the first time you meet someone from the internet you should do so in a public place.  Do not assume that just because you get along with someone online that you will get along with them face-to-face.]

If you are looking for a relationship / partnership which includes this kink, your chances are much smaller.  Be willing to compromise: perhaps the love of your life will not be willing to share a whole human during sex, but will be willing to eat a human right before or right after.  Or perhaps he/she will be willing to indulge you so much as feeding you an eye or a finger while you masturbate.  Stay flexible, and you will be much more likely to satisfy your needs reasonably well.

Good luck, Desperate!


There’s hope for you vitaphiliacs yet…
March 10, 2009, 12:20 am
Filed under: sex advice, zombie sightings

In my last post on vitaphilia, I stressed how difficult it is to find that special human who sees us as zombies and not as targets or unnaturally animated corpses.  Today I ran across a website which offered some tips for humans who wish to date zombies.  So have hope! There seem to be a growing number of humans out there who are intrigued rather than disgusted by the thought of dating zombies.

Despite the fact that all of your friends told you not to date a zombie because you’d only get hurt, you got yourself involved with a zombie anyway. For a longterm relationship to work, you’ll have to become a zombie. However, becoming a zombie is a big step. If you’re not ready to make that leap into the next life, just use these tips to have a brief fling.

-From How to date a zombie, on

Unusual Zombie Practices
December 8, 2007, 1:09 am
Filed under: sex advice

Hold on to your heads, dear readers, because today I’m going to tackle a topic that may be incredibly disturbing and disgusting to many of you. But I am a blogger for all of you, not just most of you, and there is a significant number of you who are into certain unusual zombie practices.

Yes, I’m talking about fetishes.

I can hear you saying, already, “A little hanky-panky in the graveyard is one thing, STFZ, but making it a part of your existence? Come on!” Fetishes are deeply misunderstood, and certainly there are miserable zombies out there who cannot be satisfied without pulling out their eye and rubbing themselves in the freshly killed cavity of a camel. But for every poor, unsatisfied freak, there are hundreds of perfectly normal zombies who live unremarkable lives save for the excitements in their bedroom. And if their partners are willing and interested, and no harm is done, who are we to say they are wrong? There’s not much difference between a little hanky-panky and a little bit more hanky-panky, to spice up your sex life. Who of us hasn’t experimented with pulling out our intestines, just to see how it might feel? Or detaching our tongues temporarily, just so we could reach those hard-to-reach places while having intercourse? So keep your minds open – you might discover new heights of pleasure you’ve never thought of before.

By far the most common fetish people write to me about is that of being eaten. One of my friends claims that many fetishes develop from a desire to confront and control our fears, and certainly being eaten is up there. I’ve often woken up from many a nightmare of hordes of humans surrounding me, with machetes, just ready to chop me to bits and cook me in a stew. *shudder* To those of you who may like to participate in this fetish though, you must make sure not to get carried away. It may seem like a good idea to let your lover eat each finger, one by one, but when you come out of your orgasm high, you may realize that the inconvenience of being fingerless was probably not worth the brief moments of pleasure you had. So make sure you come up with your limits before you indulge, or you may wake up without your last eyeball and no idea what you could have been thinking.

Similarly, your choice of partners is much more difficult than in the realm of more “normal” sex. Do you trust your partner to stop at just your pinky? Or do you think he or she might nibble just a little bit more, because it is so tasty? Once the body part is gone, it’s gone forever. And someone else’s hand just never quite feels the same.

For zombies who lack teeth or a mouth or a tongue, there are definitely other ways to indulge in this rare pleasure. You can easily find a spare set of teeth from the teeming humans around – if you keep the jaw intact, you can easily operate it with your hand. It’s not quite the same, I’m told, but certainly it can still offer plenty of pleasure.

Anyway, I hope my brief pieces of advice are useful, and remember, as always, if you have any questions or want any sex tips for zombies – just write!

November 17, 2007, 12:21 pm
Filed under: sex advice

Zombies often write to me expressing their lust for living beings – usually humans, but also other animals as well. “Am I normal?” they ask. “I can’t have normal relations with other zombies – I can only be aroused by imagining firm, tight skin and unbroken skulls.” A reader from Minnosota tells me, “Sometimes when I find a human I will keep him tied up for weeks, just staring at his head and masturbating. My boyfriend asks me what I have in the bathroom, but I’ve always managed to hide it from him. I have my best orgasms with humans, but my sex life with my boyfriend is terrible. I feel horribly guilty. Am I cheating on my boyfriend? How can I get back to being normal again?”

You are not alone, dear readers. At least, according to my mail, there are probably thousands of you out there. Vitaphilia is not that uncommon, and it doesn’t have to destroy your life. Not only are we born from humans, but we derive most of our sustenance from their tasty flesh. It is no wonder that some of us have ended up with a fixation that goes beyond what most consider proper. And though it is rarer, we may also become fixated on cats, dogs, or other animals as a result of their close relationship with humans and our previous lives. I know of one zombie who almost exclusively relies on dog brains, finding all other food unpalatable.

The first thing to figure out is what your love of the living entrails — er, entails. Do you want to play with them, and then eat them? Are you hoping for a deeper connection than that? Do you want to be with them emotionally, or just physically? It’s important to be clear to yourself about what you want from the living. If you want a deeper emotional relationship with a human, you have to approach it in a very different fashion than if you just want a little fun before dinner.

Unfortunately, most zombies are not very understanding of the desire to be close to humans. You will encounter (or have already encountered) a lot of hate and ridicule. If you’re just looking for a little fun, your little “eccentricity” is often laughed off, but if you’re actually looking for a relationship, things can get more difficult. Other zombies may try to attack your human. They may ask you to share. They don’t understand the emotional bond you’ve formed, and so they will see your unwillingness as selfishness or a rejection. You need to be patient with them, and explain to them why this human is special. Keep it simple – often a simple phrase like “I like her/him, so I want to keep her/him alive” will make them stop pushing you. If they keep insisting on having your human, offer to find another one for them, or to go hunting together.

Relationships with humans can be extremely difficult. Most humans want nothing to do with us, and will kill us whenever they have the chance. Those humans who actually will see us as zombies, not as targets, are very rare. Out of these humans, then, you are searching for the one special human with whom you feel a deep personal connection. I’m not going to sugarcoat the difficulties of finding your special human – most of you, in fact, will never realize your fantasy of a relationship with a human. So if you do find it, keep it for the rest of its life. You are one lucky zombie.

I’ll leave you with two warnings:

  1. It’s impossible to train a human to like zombies. You may see a particularly delicious human that you wish would like you, but no matter how you want him/her to like you, you can’t change his/her mind. So if he/she is shooting at you, take that as your cue and just finish him/her off quickly.
  2. Since it is so difficult to actually find a human partner, it’s easy to fall into the trap of going from zombie to zombie, leaving your partner the moment the decay becomes too much to ignore. Don’t do this to yourself or your partners. Be upfront about your vitaphilia – you can still have a rewarding sex life if your partner is willing to pretend to be human every so often.

Happy hunting!

Dear STFZ…
October 21, 2007, 7:39 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice | Tags:

Yesterday I was hanging about with a few friends of mine and, as usual for conversations involving me, the topic turned to sex. A human too curious and slow for his own good had stumbled into our living room and now we were all a bit giggly and flush. Right in the middle of a conversation about our worst dating experiences, Blaarggh suddenly blurted out, “But — have you ever had it, break off? during sex?”

We were all kind of suddenly silent, eying each other, kind of reluctant to admit it. But Blaarggh had broken the dam and soon all the stories came pouring out. I won’t tell you their stories, but here’s mine: It was my first casual hookup – I’d found him lurching about in the bar and he looked mighty fine – two eyes, just a little bit of his intestines peaking out his side, and his lurch was as provocative as they come. Well, anyway, I took him back to my place, and we hit it off. I’d gotten his tattered belt and pants off and he’d undone my bra, admiring my rib cage and stroking the outsides of my lung, reaaalllly gently, just the way I like it. Ahhh. I was getting more and more excited. He still had an intact penis, hard of course, and he was stroking it gently with one hand. I licked his eyeballs and he shuddered lightly.

I felt like a little fucking and I lay back, gesturing for him to crawl on top of me. He started pumping away, gazing deeply into my eyes. But almost immediately it was clear that something had gone wrong. I looked down and he had become detached from his penis! He was really embarrassed, and so was I, actually. I mean, it felt good in me, but I didn’t want to have a penis in there forever! Well, anyway, we managed to pry it out but that was the end of that, of course. He left with his penis it his pocket.

I saw him once again, recently, just across the street. He saw me too, but we just kind of…kept walking.

Anyway, that conversation reminded me of the incident. Well, here are a few helpful tips that I hope will mean that you don’t have to suffer through the same embarrassment. This sort of thing happens all the time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

1. If you think you’re going to be fucking, before you leave home, take your penis and roll it around a little, just to make sure it is firmly attached.

2. Keep a little tube of crazy glue or some other adhesive on you at all times, just in case.

3. If your penis comes off during sex, don’t be too embarrassed. Your partner has probably has seen it before. She/he/it will take the cue from you – if you’re mortified, then it will ruin everything. But if you just treat it casually, you can still rescue the situation. Just apply your glue and press back up against it, waiting until it sticks on firmly. This is really a very sexy situation! You have your penis pressed up into someone, and both of you can’t move down there – a perfect setup for some teasing and making out if I ever saw one.

4. After you have reattached your penis, after you get back home, you need to think of a more secure mechanism. I’ve seen several different solutions. One idea is to rig up some sort of harness to keep it on yourself. Penises usually break off with a little ridge on the base, so you can wrap some wire or rope around that and tie it to your pelvis. Alternatively, you can just leave it detached – there are certainly many advantages to a detachable penis!

I hope that helped!