Sex Tips For Zombies


Zombie Gangbangs
February 12, 2013, 9:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yesterday I was pondering zombie gangbangs.  As a human, the definition of a gangbang seemed quite clear.  As a zombie though, the options seem endless.

Is this when we find one of the few humans remaining and mob them, tearing them apart and eating their flesh in a sensual sexual ecstasy of delight?  (There’s really nothing quite like living human flesh, particularly their brains.)

Or is it simply the same as a human gangbang, but with zombies performing the sexual acts?

Is it is where we find a zombie, dismember it thoroughly, and then use each of its limbs and body parts to fuck another zombie?  Reassembly of the dismembered zombie is optional, depending on their preferences, of course.

We’re talking about consensual gangbanging of course.  Except possibly for the human.

What do you think should be the definition?

Advertisements


Zombie Porn
July 11, 2009, 5:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Not only is there video, but there exist zombie porn stills.  For instance:

SPVNE

I know that not everyone finds brains sexy, or rusty bathtubs, but just think about it.  Easing yourself into the formaldehyde for a bath, feeling the soothing coolness after a long hot summer day.  The brains bump gently into you whenever you move.  Imagine stroking them, submerging yourself underneath the surface and looking up, your whole world nothing but brains, brains, and brains.

(I, unfortunately, am not as lucky as the zombie who took this shot.  However, if anyone wishes to donate a brain to this fantasy, please send it along, by all means.)



Zombie Sightings: Colin
May 24, 2009, 8:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The news for zombies keeps getting better and better.  I recently heard about COLIN, a new movie which finally tells the story of the rise of the zombies from a zombie perspective. It’s about time that our voices were heard!



Do Zombies Dream of Electric Brains?
February 28, 2009, 12:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

With the recent discovery of humans infiltrating our society, here are 10 helpful hints for how to tell if your loved one is secretly a human:

  1. You find yourself often intrigued by their brains, to the extent of wondering if you may be developing a brain fetish.   (For any humans reading this, no, we largely do not see brains as sexual.  Just like most humans don’t see a side of steak as sexual.)
  2. They never want to put out…literally.
  3. They seem to have some sort of trick to avoid decomposing as fast as everyone else.  (Of course, some zombies use deep-freezing to achieve the same effect, so be careful of starting a witch hunt.)
  4. Open wounds seem to mysteriously move around.
  5. They never want to play “where’s the finger”, unless it’s with your finger.
  6. They speak in complete sentences more often than not.
  7. When you surprise them, their first reaction is to cower and scream.
  8. When they think you’re not watching, their lurch magically disappears.
  9. They seem overly concerned about hygiene.  If they’re always wiping down everything you touch with antibacterial sprays or soap, they may be a human.
  10. If they constantly wipe themselves off with antibacterial soap right after you touch them or give them a friendly nibble…good lord, why are you reading this list?  Just eat their brains (JETB) already.  Stop deluding yourself!  Turn them into a zombie and you can still have your happily ever after.


Children
October 21, 2008, 8:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

There comes a time in most zombies’ lives when we want to start a family. Since this is a topic that is dear to my heart (yes, Darwin and I are doing *quite* well!) I want to give some advice on how best to go about doing this.

First and foremost, you need to decide what age you want your children to be. The age is the most important because it determines a lot about how your family is going to be. Do you want elementary-school children, who will largely be dependent on you for support and sustenance? Or do you want older children, who will soon become self-sufficient but may reject your parental guidance, even run away from home? Younger children are of course the most appealing to most zombies, but this is a huge responsibility to take on. Remember, being undead means that they will be dependent on you until you rot away or they do, unless you find someone else who is willing to take care of them and whom they also like. Most zombies don’t realize this, and after a few years or so quickly become tired, leading to the dozens of feral abandoned children you see wandering the streets. Some shelters do take them in, but their resources are limited. Still, if you want a younger child, please do consider adopting instead of making your own.

Once you know the age you want, you can plan your form of attack. Younger children are best found near schools, where there are a lot of them and it can be relatively easy to lure one off by itself. Look for playgrounds and ball parks near the woods, where you can lurk until a single child runs into the woods looking for a ball or just a place to cry. Many parents-to-be fixate on having a red-haired child or a boy or a short kid, but the best thing is just to be open to providence. If your requirements are too strict, you may find yourself taking unecessary risks or waiting years before you find the child you are looking for.

Older children are a little easier to find, since they like to be off by themselves. Sometimes bathrooms are a good place to lurk, if you can disguise your smell. They are usually more alert and aware, though, so it is harder to take them by surprise. It is best to have a few midwives along if you are hoping for an older child, to help subdue him or her.

Now that you have found a child, you need to make sure your new baby zombie adapts well to the new environment. When they wake up, they will be hungry, so make sure to have a good supply of rotting meat and brains ready. The larger they are, the more they will want to eat. It is usually a good idea to tie them down to something the first few days, because (as you might remember) their raging hunger could lend them far more strength than you might expect. It will probably take a few days before they come back to their senses and begin to recognize you as family. Some people claim it helps to talk to them during this transitional period, calling them son or daughter and cementing your parent-child relationship.

If you already have children and are considering more children, remember that your existing children may find it painful to watch this birth of their new sibling, especially if they have only recently been born. Sometimes jealousy may also be an issue, as they worry that your attention and care will be focused on the new baby and they will become less important to you. The key here is to talk to them and make sure to spend plenty of time reassuring that they will still be important to you. Sometimes it helps to bring them extra servings of brains to make sure they understand that you still intend to continue providing for them. Also, if you enlist their help in picking out a new brother or sister, they may feel more included in the process and thus less likely to reject the new child.

Well, that’s all the tips I can think of for now, so I hope you found that useful! If you have additional advice for new parents, please send it my way – I always appreciate learning better ways of doing things.