Sex Tips For Zombies

Dear STFZ: Threesomes?
May 23, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ, sex advice

Dear STFZ,

I’ve had this fantasy for a while. My zombie partner and I, we’d go find a tasty looking human to eat. But instead of eating him, we would bring him home, take him to bed, and eat him slowly while fucking each other. Have you heard of this fetish before? So far I haven’t been able to find any zombie who wants to do this. Some are turned off by the sex-with-living aspects, others are turned off by the sex-with-food aspect of the fantasy. 😦 How do I find someone who is willing to indulge in this kink with me? Am I doomed to only roleplay this scene out in my mind?

Desperate for a Nibble

Dear Desperate,

Do not fear: I can personally attest that there are more of you out there.  In fact, I have received more than a few emails just like yours.  The problem is, however, that you may not have anything in common with your fellow fetishists other than this particular desire.  While shared sexual compatibility is important, a relationship is built on far more than simply shared sexual interests.  So I would caution you from getting caught up in this one particular kink when searching for a partner.

I wasn’t entirely sure, however, if you were looking for a relationship partner or merely just some fun.  If it is the latter, I would suggest using the internet to search for fellow fetishists.  If you are too decomposed to comfortably use the internet (then how are you reading this blog?), I recommend asking the help of a fellow zombie, or capturing a human who is willing to help you in return for his/her life.  The web is a good place to start because it is a useful way to bring people from all different areas of the country together.  On a singles site you can “meet” many more people and more quickly than you can at a bar or coffee shop.  Establish your interest in this particular kinky fun right off, and you will screen out everyone who is going to be turned off by it.  I am sure there will be some zombies who would be all for indulging your kink, in which case all you have to do is to meet up and find a hapless victim.  [Also note that the first time you meet someone from the internet you should do so in a public place.  Do not assume that just because you get along with someone online that you will get along with them face-to-face.]

If you are looking for a relationship / partnership which includes this kink, your chances are much smaller.  Be willing to compromise: perhaps the love of your life will not be willing to share a whole human during sex, but will be willing to eat a human right before or right after.  Or perhaps he/she will be willing to indulge you so much as feeding you an eye or a finger while you masturbate.  Stay flexible, and you will be much more likely to satisfy your needs reasonably well.

Good luck, Desperate!


Zombie Sightings: Necrocards
May 20, 2009, 8:41 pm
Filed under: activism, zombie sightings

When I began this blog, I expected to encounter serious resistance and bigotry against the ideas of zombie sex.  I have encountered such bigotry, but what has made an even bigger impression on me has been the sheer groundswell of support for this core concept – and not just from the zombie and undead communities.  There are, in any society, progressive and far-thinking beings who think more clearly and more fairly than their peers.  Previously I wrote about MissCalico, who wrote in a very zombie way about dissection.  Today my featured blogger goes even further.  Steward Home writes poignantly of the sexual bigotry he tries to draw attention to with his creation of Necrocards:

To be honest if I was given the opportunity to have sex with a stiff, I’d probably pass it up. However, if prior to their death someone has given their consent to necrophiliac sex, then I don’t really see what moral objections can be raised against it. One of the things that makes the world an interesting place is a wide variety of sexual tastes. People should be free to experiment sexually as long as this is done with the consent of those they are shagging. Not accepting this principle has serious implications for those practicing sado-masochism. A good deal of sexual bigotry is still sanctioned by law. It should go without saying that consent is only possible when all those partaking in a sexual act enjoy social equality. Given the power differentials between adults and children, paedophilia can never be consensual and thus it should be condemned as an utterly unacceptable and inappropriate form of behaviour.

Written in 1999, he probably did not anticipate the zombie outbreaks in the 2000’s.  But the philosophy still applies: dead, undead, or living, we should all be free to explore our sexual selves.  It is sad to note far we still have to go in pursuing sexual freedom, both in the laws on the books as well as the attitude on the streets.

Show your support for sexual freedom: Print out your own necrocard today!

May 4, 2009, 11:27 pm
Filed under: activism, Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I’m at my wit’s end.  My husband of 4 months no longer finds me sexy.  He never wants sex anymore.  I’ve tried everything I can think of.  I’ve tried switching around our genitals, I’ve tried cross-dressing, I’ve tried borrowing bigger breasts, I’ve tried going with no breasts, I’ve tried interesting him with threesomes and foursomes with my friends…nothing!

I’ve asked him what’s wrong, and he just says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.  He’d much rather be watching zombie porn (No thanks to you, STFZ, so I think you owe me) than having sex with his own wife.  I have to admit I am a bit on the rottier side, but what’s a zombie to do?  I think it’s pretty short-sighted of him.  Just because I’m older!

Frustrated and Ashamed

Dear Frustrated and Ashamed,

I write about acceptance of all body types and different stages of rotting, but the sad reality is, not everyone is as smart, kind, or understanding as we would hope they are.  Some day, I hope the norm would be this sort of body acceptance and positivity, but until then – unfortunately, there will always be zombies who will be unkind and unsympathetic.  Your husband is one of these people.  He should have tried to work with you, instead of just dropping you like a gnawed on bone.

It sounds like you still are happy with him and want to make this work.  Certainly you have come up with quite some good, imaginative solutions already!  So I shan’t belabor the point.  If you are not willing to dump him and find a better zombie, sit him down and have a frank discussion about what it would take to get him interested in sex with you again.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. If it is the liquidity of your skin and insides that bother him, consider investing in a lovely latex catsuit or dress.  A properly made latex outfit should hold your innards in with a soft firmness, in whatever shape you choose.   Properly cared for, will transmit sensation nicely.  Some latex outfits have cleverly designed zippers and flaps which allow access to some very nice areas.  This is generally a hefty investment, but it can definitely be worth it.  Even zombies without your particular issue sometimes like wearing latex for the sensation and also for the shape it lends their bodies.
  2. If the smell bothers him, I strongly suggest that he simply remove his nose.  This is a very simple thing that he can do, and it will save both of you a lot of heartache.  If he refuses to even do that…well, that sort of says something about how much he cares about solving this problem.
  3. If you have access to a fridge, storing yourself there for at least an hour before sex can lesson the liquefaction and also reduce odors.  If you want to hurry it up, you can use the freezer, but you should be careful to avoid staying in there too long.  Make sure that someone knows you are there and can rescue you if you become too frozen.  (If you do end up freezing yourself by accident, it is very important to defrost slowly.  Otherwise you risk different parts of you expanding or contracting at different rates, thus causing injury.  Not that I would know anything about that.)

I hope that helps, Frustrated and Ashamed!  You are certainly not the first zombie to encounter this sort of discrimination, and you will not be the last for (unfortunately) quite a while, it seems.  Partial zombies, especially those who are down to just an arm or a head or an eyeball, seem to have the toughest time dating.  One zombie I know, who was only a hand at this point, has told me how difficult it is to attract anyone’s attention, especially when it takes 5 minutes for my friend to say hello.  (On a tangent, it is quite frustrating that we still have to use human languages to communicate.  Can someone invent zomblish already?  A hand has no gender, and is therefore neither a him nor a her, and is certainly not an it, being a sentient and zombie being.  Perhaps I should leave this rant to another post.)

Zombie Medical Science Advances, or, So That’s Why My Libido is So Strong Now That I’m A Zombie
April 22, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews, zombie sightings

A few weeks ago, I had the great fortune to attend a talk by distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Steven Schlozman. This was hosted by the Coolidge Corner Theatre, which as it turns out is a great supporter of zombie rights. Now, as you know, much of how and why we are the way we are is still unexplained by human science, so I very much looked forward to hearing about the recent advances in understanding our bodies. His talk was fairly thorough, though it became clear very early on just how much still needs to be researched. A professor from Michigan wrote that by the classic laws of biology, our dead flesh should not be able to move, due to the lack of oxygen. Nevertheless, we do lurch, and shamble, and we do have control over our dead flesh (some more than others).

We already know some things, just through our common experience. We know that cold allows us to stave off decomposition and preserves our bodies. We know that we need freshly killed flesh to continue to unlive (preferably humans, as they are the tastiest and most nutritious). We know that we can suffer almost all injuries without much impediment. We know that it is hard to perform cross-species grafts, but it is easy to exchange organs and limbs with other zombies. We know all these things to be true, because we experience them,but we still don’t know why things are the way they are.  I would love to see more scientists start making strides in this rich field of study.

Dr. Schlozman has made a strong foray into zombie medical science.  In his lecture he puts forth a theory of zombie brain function.  He suggests that while in humans, the amygdala is well-modulated and frontal lobe function is strong, in zombies, our frontal lobe function is decreased while the amydala is stronger.  This results in stronger “base” desires, such as rage, hunger, fear…and lust.  (Yes, now I have a scientific theory as to why it is typical for zombie libidos to be much stronger than their previous human ones….)

Yes, fellow readers, he mentioned lust.  I was wriggling in my seat with joy.  Unfortunately, he did not elaborate on lust as he did on hunger and other desires.  But I will take my victories where I can: five years ago no self-respecting professor would mention zombie lust in a serious lecture.  Today, it was taken easily in stride by the packed lecture hall.

Anyway, if you are interested in the lecture, you can watch the video (video podcast?), or you can wait for his comprehensive paper to come out – soon to be published in Progress in Neurobiology.

After his lecture followed the screening of the classic horror film, Night of the Living Dead.  I watched it, but I had to cover my eyes when the zombies were lit on fire, and also in the last scene when the poor defenseless zombies were picked off one-by-one by callous human posse.  For all that it is a very human-centric film, I liked how the humans were shown to be the unfeeling, fractious, and controlling beings that they are often in real life.  Humans make much of their frontal lobe domination, but honestly, we zombies manage quite well without it and I think things are much better that way.

Zombie Sightings: Poetry for The Undead
April 15, 2009, 9:10 pm
Filed under: reviews, zombie sightings

Recently I bought my very own copy of Zombie Haiku, by Ryan Mecum. I have to say, folks, this is a really awesome book. It’s got a very high production value – glossy full-color pages (you can see the blood and eyeballs in great detail!) and cute little doodles of doorknobs (“They are so lucky/that I cannot remember/how to use doorknobs”), and brilliant haikus from a zombie perspective. This wonderful book beautifully maps out yet another segment of zombie life that mainstream media has somehow left behind, in order to focus on the attacking humans part. I realize that mainstream media is quite human-centric, but really. We zombies have rich unlives without humans as well! Anyway, this is not *just* a collection of lovely haikus, but it also tells a story.
Some of my favorite haikus:

Blood is really warm.
It’s like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.

I can see through you.
Literally through your mouth
and out to the street.

I keep saying “brains.”
I remember other words,
but I just need one.

What a sweet story.  I’m not sure if your local bookstore will carry this, but it really should!  And of course there is always, which is where I got my copy ($10, totally worth it for such a pretty book).

Porn Reviews: “Porn of the Dead” and “Night of the Groping Dead”
April 4, 2009, 8:56 pm
Filed under: activism, reviews

Last night, a friend and I watched about 50 minutes of zombie porn, so you don’t need to.  Or rather, so we can tell you whether you actually want to.  We reviewed Porn of the Dead and Night of the Living Dead on the VOD service offered by

Porn of the Dead is a porn in 5 or 6 different parts, separated by simple fades.  It began very promisingly, with a wonderfully creepy atmosphere of horror.  In fact, in each segment, the set and atmosphere was extremely well-done.  You almost feel as if you’ve stepped into some sort of horror movie.  The porn also makes good use of slow-motion and stop-motion, as well as odd camera angles, in order to add a sense of the surreal. This porn was clearly directed by someone with experience with cinematography and a strong idea of what would be artistically interesting.  I particularly enjoyed the conceit in the zombie gangbang, which began with a porn shoot the middle of a misty dark wood under the light of the full moon.

The zombies are well-done and clearly some thought went into portraying the true diversity of zombies everywhere – there are zombies with open sores, as well as both grey-colored zombies and green-colored zombies.  What a nice change from the typical portrayal of only one kind of zombie!  The blood and gore are also extremely realistic.  They clearly put a lot of thought into the realism of the set, and I found it very impressive.

Unfortunately, it quickly becomes clear that this is a porn for human fetishists of zombies, rather than a porn for us.  I suspect that for many of these “zombies”, human actors and actresses were used!  In the first ten minutes I noticed zombie makeup coming off, quite obviously.   “Zombieface,” my companion remarked grumpily.  Indeed, I also found this incredibly offensive and not at all sexy.  While vitaphiliacs might rejoice at the idea of zombie fetishists, most of us prefer to be treated as sentient thinking beings instead of depicted as objects of human fascination.  After that, it became very clear exactly how human-centric this film was.  There is quite a lot of hardcore PiV action and the focus remains on the penetrative sex, rather than much zombie action.  There was some, including a glorious heart-eating scene – but those seemed to be there to add “flavor” rather than as the main focus of the sex.  One exception to this is the last segment, which featured a very erotic climax with human intestines.  Make sure not to miss that part, when you’re skipping through the seemingly-interminable minutes of human-on-fake-zombie-fucking.

Night of the Groping Dead is the polar opposite in a lot of ways.  It was rather invigorating, watching the two back-to-back.  While Porn of the Dead seemed to be shot from a very human-centric view, Night of the Groping Dead is definitely a zombie porn: by zombies, for zombies.  We begin with a great horde scene which made me a bit nostalgic for my old gang days, roaming about, attacking screaming humans.  Now, these are true zombies – lurching, groaning, with that wild-eyed gaze.  There’s even a compelling plot, involving an exploration of some common conflicts in zombie identity: world domination vs. suburban bliss, an army of zombie fucking vs. one true love.

There are plenty of zombie blood shots here for anyone, and the virgin zombie scene is heart-meltingly sweet.  My companion was also particularly impressed by the pussy-eating – and it’s true that for some reason that is not as often shown as dick-eating.  I found the intro scene (which gets repeated at several points for plot reasons) extremely arousing, and the virgin zombie scene is also really good.  My only disappointment here is that the set is so low-budget (it looked like someone’s apartment) – I really wanted to take the set of Porn of the Dead and slide it into the Night of the Groping Dead.  Definitely this is a movie to watch if you like some thoughtful plot and characterization in your porn, not just hardcore zombie action.

In summary?  I would watch Porn of the Dead for a few good scenes and its great set and cinematography, but I think Night of the Groping Dead is a far better zombie porn for all it’s low-budget heritage.  It was 47 minutes long, and compelled us to watch almost 30 minutes of it – a far better record than Porn of the Dead, which was 1 hr 40 minutes long, of which we watched about 20 minutes.  I will always have a fondness for the Re-Penetrator, but I am definitely excited at the explosion of new films in this genre!

Again, if you find any new zombie porn I haven’t yet discovered here, please let me know!

Furry Zombies?
April 3, 2009, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Dear STFZ

Dear STFZ,

I was a furry in real life before I became a zombie, and to my surprise I found that I am still a furry.  I fell in with a group of zombies who became furries after their transformation.  I would never have imagined what they have done!  My friend Bob goes around with cat paws instead of hands and has managed some clever way to attach a cat tail to his bum.  Janice sometimes goes around with a dog head instead of her own head.  However, all their substitutions have to be temporary, since we haven’t yet been able to successfully switch our body parts with those of our favored animals.  We’ve tried turning pets into zombies first, and then exchanging hands and heads, but it never takes.  The heads and paws just keep being their animal parts while our bodies remain under our control.  When we use dead animal heads and paws, well, it works fine for a while but then it gets old, not being able to use our hands.  There has to be a solution to this problem!  Please help us, STFZ!

Fantasizing Furry

Dear FF,

You may be surprised to find that you are not the only zombie to have encountered this problem.  Check out the researches of Dr. Paterson Roberts, who pioneered cross-species exchanges.  We all know that it is trivial to exchange body parts and such with other human zombies, but cross-species exchanges are much more difficult.  Dr. Roberts began her work with chimpanzees, but has since made a broad study of many animals, including giraffes, hummingbirds, sea lions, and bears.  Unfortunately, I do not think she ever did any work with cats or dogs – perhaps those species seemed too mundane to her.

Her conclusions are still inconclusive, but she had middling success with transplants between humans and monkeys, as well as between gorillas and chimpanzees.  She achieved the most success by soaking the ends in a mixture of the blood from both species before attempting attachment.  Unfortunately, her work is still on-going, and you can see that it is a very new field of research, with very few practical results as of yet.  It seems that your fantasy will have to remain a fantasy, at least for now.